Our Dance With Infertility

I'm THAT girl....

2009-06-01T19:32:00.001-07:00

I'm that girl. I'm your cousin's friend's co-worker. I'm your mom's neighbor's friend's daughter. I'm pregnant. I'm the girl who tried for two years, did IVF, had a baby and then got pregnant on their own unexpectedly.

I'm so excited about this pregnancy. I nearly screamed with joy at seeing my first ever positive pregnancy test. I'm overwhelmed at the idea of having two under two but I'm excited about this new little one. I also feel like I've totally betrayed the infertile community. I feel like a jerk.

I think 9 out of 10 people I've told about this pregnancy have made a comment like, "I hear that happens all the time" or "I know so many people that has happened for." One person even said, "I guess when you relax and your mind isn't on it, then it can just happen."
Please know that I have corrected ALL of these people (and I had to really resist the urge to punch the person who mentioned relaxing).

But I have become that girl. One of the stories that people will tell to try to encourage someone struggling with infertility. A story that won't encourage anyone in the midst of shots, procedures and home pregnancy tests. I apologize in advance to anyone who ever hears this story and wants to throw things or hit people because of it. (I've been there. I know.)

Friends, I think this is the last dance for dancing with infertility. It seems time to dim the lights, turn the music off and rest awhile.
I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this....but if you are, please know that this girl is still hoping and praying that each and every one of us out there in the infertile blogsphere is called Mommy someday.
It is hard to explain the encouragement and love I have felt from so many of you that I only know through your blogs. But thank you for everything.

~Amy

What is a girl to do?? POAS!

2009-01-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

My period arrived for the first time post baby in December. I marked my calendar. I counted my days. This isn't my first rodeo. And wouldn't you know it, I was late.

I had a hard time deciding what to think about being late. My periods weren't like clockwork until I got on clomid. It was totally normal to have 28 day cycles, 32 day cycles, 42 day cycles, etc. But the calendar said I was a week late. What is a girl to do???

Well, I had planned to wait it out. No need to test. I was pretty sure we hadn't had sex at any "peak" times. I'll just wait it out. But my period didn't come and didn't come and didn't come. The calendar kept inching farther from my expected start date and closer to my best friend's bachelorette party. What is a girl to do???

So I stopped by Target to grab a few more items for my bachelorette bag of honeymoon goodies and decided to pick up a pregnancy test. (I got the 2 pack.) Woke up early Friday morning and tested. I waited my 3 minutes and the test said NO. Of course I felt the strangest mixture of emotions. Part of me was so sad. I want to be able to get pregnant on my own. Another part of me was okay though because I don't think we're ready for baby #2 just yet.

Later that afternoon as I was throwing last minute items into my suitcase my period arrived. Nice.

So, no September baby for us....which is fine and slightly depressing at the same time.

I've been down the road of infertility before. Why do I still think I make the timelines and schedules? Why do I still think I'm in control? Why can't I let go and trust the Lord?

Any 1st and 15th Siestas out there?

2009-01-07T19:51:00.000-08:00

I frequently read the Living Proof Ministries blog written by Beth Moore and her two daughters, Amanda and Melissa. For 2009, LPM has challenged their readers with scripture memory. The plan is to pick out a new verse to memorize on the 1st and another one on the 15th.....so if you follow the plan you'll memorize 24 pieces of scripture this year. Since over 3000 people have posted that they will participate I was wondering if any of my blog friends were. If you are, then comment so we can encourage each other throughout this year. And I'd love to know what verses you are memorizing....

My verse for the first two weeks in January is Psalm 119:9-12
How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart that
I might not sin against you.
Praise be to you, O Lord,
teach me your decrees.

Best. Gift. Ever.

2008-12-30T09:45:00.001-08:00

My thoughts and prayers are with those of you still waiting for your gift. May this be the last holiday season without your little one.

6 months...

2008-12-06T21:25:00.000-08:00

My baby boy is 6 months old today. Half a year has gone by since I first held this precious boy who encompasses so many of our hopes and dreams. He has the best laugh and the sweetest smile. He wakes up happy and that smile has almost converted me into a morning person.
People have asked me if I like being a mom. I always think this is a strange questions. Wouldn't it be disturbing if I said no?? I always say, "It is way better than I ever imagined and I imagined that it would be pretty awesome."

He fell asleep feeding the other night. I held him in my arms and just tried to soak in all his little features. I hope that when I die that if my life flashes before my eyes that I get to falsh back to some of these quiet sweet moments just holding my baby while he was small and sleeping.

God is so good. I am overwhelmed. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for our son. Help us to raise him to be a man who loves and worships you. Thank you for JW--a husband who has been with me every step on this journey to parenthood. And Lord, thank you for the journey. Without the trials I don't think we would fully know the joys. Thanks for having a plan for us. Thank you, Jesus, for being the path, the light on the path and the purpose of the journey.

Thankful...

2008-12-02T16:32:00.000-08:00

This year I'm thankful. I'm thankful for...

....our new jobs. JW and I both took new jobs this year and they are both working out well. We like where we're working and both of us are being challenged professionally like never before.

....our new house. It is so much closer to my parents and my sister (about 20 minutes instead of an hour and 20 minutes). It has been great.

....finding a new church. We loved our old church and weren't sure if we'd find a new place when we moved. We found a place that is great though and we can't wait to build relationships there.

....my niece's adoption was finally finalized. Our family has lived on the fine line between hope and despair for the past year waiting for this to happen. Finalization was a week before Thanksgiving.

....and of course I'm thankful for my little pilgrim. And how wonderful it is to be married to the man of my dreams.

Keeping our fingers crossed....

2008-11-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine found out she was pregnant recently. She's about 10 weeks along. I was so excited for her because it took 3 IUIs for them to conceive their first child and she had all sorts of hormonal issues. This baby was conceived without any medical assistance. It has really made me hope that we will have a similar story.....but of course I'm not sure if I'm ready to write that chapter just yet. I mean, Little Man is only 5 months old. No need to have 2 under 1 1/2.

A parable on motherhood....

2008-09-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

This is a short story by Temple Bailey that I read at my grandmother's funeral. My grandmother was very much like the woman in this story....she is more than a memory....

A Parable on Motherhood by Temple Bailey

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is the way long?" she asked. And her guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning." But the young mother was happy and she would not believe that anything could be better than those years. So she played with her children and gathered flowers for them along the way and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them and life was good, and the young mother cried, "Nothing will never be lovelier than this."

Then night came, and storm, and the path was dark and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle and the children said, "Oh Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come," and the mother said, "This is better than the brightness of day, for I have taught my children courage."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary, but at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed and when they reached the top, they said, "We could not have done it without you, Mother." And the mother, when she lay down that night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage, today I have given then strength."

And with the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil--and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said, "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an Everlasting Glory, and it guided them and brought them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said, "This is the best day of all for I have shown my children God."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old, and she was little and bent. And her children were tall and strong and walked with courage. And when the way was rough they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone and their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a Living Presence."

My Grandma Rita....

2008-09-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

The weekend after labor day we took our little man to Iowa to visit my grandparents. My grandmother was in the hospital because of complications arising from lung cancer. My grandfather has alzheimer's. My grandmother was very frail and barely had the strength to feed herself. She lit up when she saw our baby though. He laid in the hospital bed beside her for a while and she loved every minute of it. My grandfather was so surprised by the baby but held him and cuddled him.

It was a priceless weekend. I'll forever be thankful that we went to visit when we did because my grandmother passed away on Sept 19th. We flew back to Iowa for the funeral. It was good to be around our family but it also didn't feel the same without her there. I had an amazing grandmother. Words can't really explain her. Her family and her faith were so important to her. And she passed that on to her children and grandchildren.

In the midst of all that Sept 22nd was the anniversary of our egg transfer. I look at the picture of those two precious embryos and I'm so thankful that a year later I'm cuddling a wiggly, giggly 14 lb baby boy. I said a special prayer that the Lord will protect our little frozen embryo until we're ready to expand our family.

NO Exceptions...

2008-08-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

So Noah has been at daycare for almost 2 full weeks. I say almost because the preschool was closed last Thursday and Friday for teacher inservice. Noah got to enjoy Thursday at home with his Daddy and spent Friday with his Aunt Ya-ya and cousin Ava.
Overall I like his daycare. They aren't perfect but if he can't stay home with me then I know this is the best place for him to be. I do have some issues with the main teacher in his class though.

Here's the story:
Each day Noah is sent home with a little form telling about his day. It details when he ate, slept and was changed. It's great. When I went to pick him up last Monday (8/18) across the top of the form his teacher had written a note and highlighted it with pink highlighter. It said:

Family & Me pictures due Wednesday AM
or NO poster for crib
NO excpetions!

And yes, the NOs were in all caps.

You see at Noah's school each baby has a poster in their crib with pictures of their families. They are really cute and it makes me happy to think that Noah could look at our faces during the day. When I dropped Noah's supplies off at the school the week before he started the director had mentioned bringing in the pictures. Honestly though with starting a new job and still getting settled in the house it wasn't really a priority. No one had mentioned anything since then.
So I read the note and as I'm driving home I start trying to think of how we are going to get family pictures together by Wednesday AM. I had left my camera at my sister's house the previous weekend. I was trying to run through my mind of what pictures were saved on the computers.
Then I started to get upset. Because I was SO stressed out about this silly poster. Part of me wanted to say:
"NO exceptions"?? Seriously. Noah has been at school a week. We'll be in that class for the next 11 months or so. Why do the pictures have to be in this week?
"NO exceptions?" Fine then! I'll make my own freaking poster.
"NO exceptions?" Wait a second. Don't I pay for Noah to go to this school??

Things were busy so I waited until Tuesday to try to get the pictures together. I saved a bunch of photos to my pen drive and tried to go print them out at CVS. The CVS near us is a 24 hour CVS. We arrived at 10:05pm....and the photo lab closed at 10pm!! ARGGHH!! So instead we bought some photo paper and came home to print out some pictures. We printed 3 and then ran out of ink.
So here we are at 11pm opening box after box in the guest room trying to find the photo albums and then leafing through the photo albums to find good pictures of all the grandparents, aunt and uncles and of course the parents.
I kept getting so mad at the daycare center because it is ridiculous that we were so stressed out about this silly poster. But of course I can't let my baby be the only baby in the class without pictures of his family.
In the end Josh and I had to laugh because we knew that someday we'd be more stressed about a school project than Noah was....we just didn't know it would happen at 11 weeks.

2 months...

2008-08-12T20:40:00.003-07:00

Weight: 12 lbs 4 oz (50th percentile)

Length: 24 inches (90th percentile)

We laughed and laughed when the nurse said that the little Monkey was in the 90th percentile for length. I'm 5'4" and JW is 5'8".

Being a working mom....

2008-08-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's official. I'm a working mom now. I started work at my new job last Friday. School doesn't officially start until August 25th but we have orientation meetings for new staff this week and inservice all next week as well. I've worked the same job for the past 6 years so this is a big change for me.

My mom has been keeping our boy for the first few days. This was great because I was able to test out how much food to leave him. I'm breastfeeding and have been pumping and storing milk. The problem with switching to bottle feeding though is that I'm not sure how much he takes at each feeding. So my mom kept track of how much milk she thawed out and put in the bottles so I can confidently leave bottles for him at daycare.

I'll officially drop him off at daycare tomorrow morning. I'm nervous about trying to get out the door with all we need, dropping him off and getting to work on time. And OBVIOUSLY I'm nervous about leaving him at the school.

I really like the school we found. The infant room is very peaceful and calming. All of the babies seemed so happy there and things are clean and organized. But right now the teachers there are strangers to me.

I knew this day would come since before we even were able to get pregnant.....it doesn't make it any easier though. I think I'll be skipping the mascara tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck.

Terrible blogger...

2008-07-19T06:26:00.001-07:00

I've been a terrible blogger lately. I apologize. In the past 6 weeks we had the baby, I had gall bladder surgery and we moved to a new town.
I promise to be better. I promise. But first I'm going to go take a nap :)

Our first night away from the baby....

2008-07-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Well, we had our first night away from the baby. We had two actually. And they weren't exactly how I imagined the first night away from him would be.

You see on Wednesday my mom came over to help me start packing up for the big move. I had another "episode" of back pain that I've had on and off throughout my pregnancy ( like this time )and several times since Little Man was born. Anyway, my mom (being a nurse and all) convinced me that the pain wasn't normal and I should go to the ER. Since the pain I feel during a typical "episode" is worse then labor was I agreed. So, we went. And I was admitted to the hospital and the next day had surgery to remove a gall stone from the duct between my gall bladder, liver and intestine...and then the following day (July 4th) had surgery to remove my pesky gall bladder.

All these procedures meant two nights in the hospital so my mom kept Little Man at home so I could "get some rest." I totally appreciate my mom's help although I'm not sure how much rest I got with nurses coming in and out and the IV alarm going off every hour or so. I cried hysterically when the Little Man had to leave that first night. I totally felt like a failure as a mom since the pain was making me totally unable to take care of him. In the end though I know it was better to go ahead and get rid of the gall bladder and have two nights without him so I could take care of him in the future.

He was a total champ. He had to have bottles for almost 4 days straight due to the fact that I had to pump and dump due to all the medications I was on....plus the time I was totally out of it for the procedures. He transitioned back to breastfeeding without a problem.

The silver lining of this cloud (besides freedom from the pain) is that I was on a liquid diet for two and a half days and spent about 15 hours total on nothing by mouth restrictions which helped some of the remaining baby weight just melt away.

I hope your 4th was more exciting then mine.
We took pictures of the Little Man at 1 month but I can't find the camera-computer cord. It is somewhere among all the boxes we're packing for our move on Tuesday. But I promise to post it eventually.

July 5, 2003

2008-07-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

Five years ago I married my best friend.

I'm so thankful the Lord blessed me with such a wonderful partner for the journey through life.

Busy days of doing nothing....

2008-06-27T20:47:00.001-07:00

So, I've spent the past three weeks staring at this perfect little face...and honestly, it hasn't gotten old at all. Not the least bit. I feel like I've been very busy the last few weeks but I can't really tell you anything we've accomplished. He eats, he sleeps, and we repeat again and again. I did find a preschool for him to attend in August when I return to work. This was a huge check off the to-do list. We are moving in two and a half weeks and I desperately need to start packing....but I'm kind of busy staring at my little angel.

Finally pictures....

2008-06-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

So, last Thursday at a little after 10:30pm my water broke. We took one last picture of my belly before heading to the hospital.

Long story short....(I need to find time to write down all the details)

....our son was born at 11:55am the next day. I had an amazing epidural and didn't feel a thing.

The moment he was born and they announced he was a boy and laid him on my chest was one of the greatest moments ever. It made everything we've been through worth it.

But anyway....enough with the words....here are the pictures!!!

Noah under the lights

Holding my son for the first time....

Another close up of his sweet face. He looks just like his dad. It is crazy.

Daddy admiring his son

After 2 1/2 days at the hospital and tons of visitors, we're ready to head home.

Our little family of 3 at last!!

Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement on this journey. I know many of you are still finding your path toward parenthood. You're in my prayers, girls. The Lord has a plan for you!!

Worth the wait....

2008-06-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

NOAH GREGORY is HERE!!!!

arrived at 11:55am on Friday, June 6th

Weight: 7 lbs 7 1/2 oz

Length: 20 inches

He's perfect. We're so in love with him.

I'll post pics later.

The Sticky Note...

2008-06-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

One of the huge transitions in my life right now is leaving my job. I've worked at the same school for 6 years. I started out as a first year math teacher who had just graduated from college. I didn't know anyone. I was a little deer caught in the headlights of my first real job. And now I'm the student advocate who works with at-risk kids to develop academic intervention plans so they can get on track. 6 years. It is a long time to be one place. Overall, I've loved it. I've been very lucky to come to work at a fun place with great people.

The last week or so I've been trying to wrap things up in anticipation of not only the end of the school year but Peanut's arrival as well. I've pretty much been leaving things everyday in enough order that "just in case" I didn't come back to work people would be able to find stuff. So this afternoon I've been putting the final touches on gathering my personal belongings. JW brought home the big boxes of books and stuff yesterday. Today is just gathering up little things and cleaning out all the junk that needs to be thrown away so the new girl can move in.

Which brings me to the sticky note. On the side drawer of my desk is a simple sticky note. It says "Dr. K" and has his phone number. Dr. K--our fertility specialist. I stuck it there in February of 2007 when I scheduled our consultation appointment. I kept it there through 3 IUIs and our IVF cycle because I can never remember phone numbers and it sure beat looking it up everytime. In a true testament to the power of the sticky part of the sticky note it has never fallen off of that drawer. Not once. It has stuck there for a year and 4 months.

Pulling off that sticky note brought forth so many emotions. I actually started crying although I can't really put my finger on why. I think part of it is a realization that this isn't going to be my desk anymore. That I'm really leaving a job I love. But I think most of it is all the emotion that is wrapped up in this journey to parenthood.
And honestly, that's the weird part. Dr. K and his phone number symbolize so much of this journey. I think that's why the sticky note was still there even 7 months after our last appointment. We finally scheduled that consultation after trying on our own for a year and trying 6 cycles of clomid with my OB/GYN (2 of those with IUIs). JW and I both liked Dr. K so much from the beginning. He was so positive and upbeat. It was encouraging and just what we needed. Our first IUI with Gonal F was a disaster. I had way too many follicles. We aspirated some of them which TOTALLY sucked. I wound up in the ER a few days after the actual IUI because my ovaries were the size of softballs. And we didn't get pregnant....it was one of the lowest points on the entire journey. The next two IUIs were also unsuccessful so we moved on to IVF.

And here we are today....days away from the arrival of our IVF miracle. As I pull off that sticky note I'm so thankful for Dr. K's encouragement and I'm again kind of sad that he doesn't actually deliver these miracle babies he helps create. Of course I can't wait to mail him Peanut's birth announcement.
I'm just not sure what to do with the sticky note. The logical side of me tells me to throw it away. I won't need Dr. K's number again for a while. Since we're moving I figure I'll be monitored by a different RE for our next round. But he has our frozen embryo so I know he'll play some part--even if it is just shipping.
The crazy side of me tells me to keep the sticky note. Throwing it away seems wrong. That it somehow belongs pressed into the pages of a scrap book or journal or something. Should I scan it and add it as a pic to this post? It is more than a sticky note but at the same time just a sticky note.
We'll see....

It's the week of the show....

2008-06-02T16:15:00.001-07:00

It's a big week for us. I'm finishing up work. Three days of the school year left. It is so surreal. The school year always ends....I just haven't totally absorbed that I won't be back in the fall. JW came to my school this afternoon and loaded up all my personal belongings. My office looks bare.

We think we've found a house. It is a little bit of a project house. It has a great floorplan but will need lots of comestic stuff--paint, new countertops, etc. We plan on making an offer here in the next few days.

And sometime this week our baby will be born. My due date is Saturday. I was 90% effaced and dilated 1 cm at my appointment today. My doctor also scheduled an induction for Wednesday the 11th "just in case" but doesn't seem to think I'll get to that point. So, sometime in the next two weeks our baby will be here.
I really can't believe it. We've waited so long....not just 9 months. 2 years and 9 months. The past few days I've thought a lot about the 2 years of waiting....temping, medications, IUIs, break cycles and ultimately our IVF cycle. I remember times of feeling so hopeless. I remember questioning if we'd ever actually have a baby. And here we are. On the verge. I can't wait to hold our little one. To whisper in his (or her) ears about how long we've waited and how loved this little baby is and how it was worth every sucky moment.

I'll keep you posted...

Three day weekend....

2008-05-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

Well ladies I hope you had a restful and fun Memorial Day Weekend. Our three days were the perfect mix of busy and lazy.

Saturday--We had a showing early in the morning so we got up and went to run errands. We went to Lowe's so JW could get some stuff to fix the sprinkler system. We went to Babies R Us and picked up some last minute items. We also ran to Target where I got a new skillet and few other things but did not get any food.
Then we drove over to Dallas to look at houses. We have now found 2 houses we like. We are going back on Tuesday night to see them back to back and hopefully we'll be able to make a decision about which one is going to be the new house for us.

Sunday--Sunday I did nothing. Seriously. Nothing. JW went to the Colonial golf tournament with some guy friends and I stayed home. I slept in. I piddled around the house. I watched the last 30 minutes of Legends of the Fall on cable. I took a nap. I read the internets. I finally showered about 6:30pm or so. It was a gloriously lazy day. Then JW came home and we discussed how we had literally no food at all....so we went back to Target to grocery shop. Honestly I don't mind grocery shopping but it is way better when JW comes along. We just laugh a lot. And grocery shopping at Target is great because you can get a popcorn and a coke for $1 at the little food court....and it just makes the whole experience a little brighter and more fun. Plus I like shopping with JW because we have conversations like this:

JW: What do you need this for?
Me: Oh, I'm going to make lasagne.
JW: Seriously? That's awesome.

Then of course I feel like a great wife because the idea of me making lasagne has made my husband so happy. And I know he'll be even happier once I actually make the stuff. Ahh..domesticated life.

Monday--We woke up at 9am which is pretty early for me on a day when I don't have anywhere to be. Then we kicked it into high gear and here is what we accomplished. (I use the term "we" loosely here since JW did almost everything. I was just a supervisor)
1) Weeded flower beds at the bases of the two trees in our front yard. Pulled all the weeds, planted new flowers and mulched the beds. This is actually the part where I worked the most
2) Made brunch--apple cinnamon pancakes and bacon. Mmmm.....
3) JW went and bought a computer he'd been researching that was on sale. I use my work laptop for everything....and since my last day of work is June 5th I couldn't be computerless
4) JW put together the bouncy seat
5) and the swing.
6) He made chicken for dinner (I can barely stand to look at raw chicken....it is actually like a huge step for me that I can even look at it long enough to pick out one to buy in the grocery store...pathetic I know) and I made a salad.

Now let the work week begin....

Trip to the hospital #1....

2008-05-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

First off, can you tell the hormones must've been raging when I wrote that last post??

Anyway, last night we made our first trip to the hospital. I started feeling really uncomfortable about 3:30pm or so. It totally seemed like gas pains which I've gotten fairly regularly in the last few months. I took some Gas-X and watched my tivo'd Desperate Housewives while trying to relax. I watched the whole two hour season finale and was still hurting.
SIDE NOTE: Do any of y'all watch Housewives?? What did you think about that 5 year flash forward? Craziness. I really love that show and I'm totally going to miss it over the summer.
I tried walking around, sitting, laying down. Nothing was helping. All the pain was in my upper back though right about where my bra comes across.
I finally called the on call doctor about 7:30 because I was still really hurting but I knew I couldn't take more Gas X. He recommended some Zantac so I sent JW to the store. I took that and tried to lay down and sleep a little. I did get some rest but my back was still hurting. I took some tylenol around 10ish. I hadn't taken any earlier because I was still convinced it was gas and tylenol doesn't really help gas.
So, now it is about 10:30pm and I've been in pain for about 7 hours without much of a break....JW has been so patient throughout this whole thing. He went and got the Zantac, he rubbed my back, he brought me water, etc etc etc. But finally he just told me that I was being ridiculous and we should just go up to the hospital.
And since it had been 7 hours of back pain I agreed and we went.

We drove to the hospital, parked and walked in. It was after hours so we had to enter through the ER. I told them I didn't want a wheelchair and they allowed us to just walk through the hospital and around to L&D. This is actually a pretty far distance but as we're walking I'm noticing that I'm starting to feel better. I told JW that I didn't want to go upstairs to L&D just yet because my back was feeling better so we walked another lap around the bottom floor. We went upstairs and actually just sat in the L&D waiting area for about 15 minutes.
I finally decided that I couldn't go tell the nurses that my back hurt because it didn't hurt anymore. So we went home.
Yep. We just drove to the hospital, walked around and then came home. It was ridiculous.

Overall I'm just hoping that the next time I endure 7+ hours of pain that I actually get to meet my little baby at the end.

Our house....

2008-05-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

I've watched the show Jon and Kate Plus 8 on a couple different occasions. I know people have lots of mixed feelings about the show but overall I like it. Sometimes Jon and Kate speak harshly to each other or to their children. However, I think the show in general is very real. I have no idea how having a child is going to change my relationship with JW....and I certainly can't imagine how trying to raise 8 kids has changed their relationship. I have a friend who once blogged about how she hates the show because she thinks Kate is negative and always gripping about stuff--specifically gripping about her husband. And although I do want to be a wife who builds my husband up I also know that I extend Kate a lot of grace. First, she's raising 8 kids--6 of them are 3. Second, Jon and Kate conceived their children through infertility treatments.

Anyway, this post isn't really about Jon and Kate except that I watched an episode lately where she was talking about the house they lived in before the sextuplets were born. She kept referring to it as "our house." She then clarified to say, "This is where we live but that house is our house."

And this is how I feel about my current house. It will always be "our house." It is the first home JW and I bought together. It was an escape from a crazy apartment complex (that's a whole other post though). We bought this 4 bedroom house just a few months after JW passed the bar exam and started practicing law. We'd been trying to have a baby for about 4 cycles at that point. This house had a room that would be a perfect nursery. There is a play fort in the backyard with a sandbox. The street is quiet and is in one of those neighborhoods where I saw us playing with our kids out front as well as in the backyard.
We have made so many memories in this house. Most of them are good and involve guests we've had come stay or parties we've hosted. Some of the best ones involve our small group from church hanging out, worshipping the Lord and praying in our living room.
This is also the house where we mourned 20 failed cycles. This is the house where I gave myself that first gonal-F shot and felt totally tough--until my ovaries blew up to the size of softballs a week later and I thought I might die. This is the house where I told JW that we were finally going to be parents and where we'll bring our baby home from the hospital.
This is OUR house.

And today we signed a contract to sell OUR house. We're moving to be closer to JW's job and to family. It really is a good thing but I'm mourning leaving our house. I just can't believe that our baby isn't going to grow up here. Our small group won't be meeting here anymore. Our baby won't play on the fort out back. That room that is ready to be "the perfect nursery" is still just white walls and plain carpet. There is a ton of baby stuff in there now but it is all just waiting to be packed and moved.

And the new house....well, we haven't found one yet. We've been looking and we just haven't found anything worth considering. Part of the problem is that real estate is more expensive in the area we're moving too....so we'll get less house for our money. But the main problem is that I really believe I already live in a perfect house....so other houses have a lot to live up to.

So, like Kate I can see myself telling someone, "This is where we live but that house is OUR house."

I know that in the end though houses aren't really that important. Home is what is important. I know that wherever we land it will be home because JW and the Peanut will be there. I want to hold the things of this world with open hands and not clenched fists. I want to focus on what is truly important but I may need a little more time to mourn this house.

Of course we have to move out by July 15th....so I'd better pack while I mourn.

36 weeks and counting....

2008-05-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

Here I am at 36 weeks. I haven't posted very many belly pics because honestly we haven't been very good at taking them. But I was dressed up for a party and had makeup on so I made JW take my picture.

25 days until our little miracle is due to arrive. I can't wait!!

First Freak Out moment...

2008-05-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Chris, if you tell mom any of this I'll kill you. :)

So, Thursday morning I woke up and noticed some blood in the toilet and on the toilet paper. I freaked out because it was bright red. I had my first internal on Monday afternoon and Dr. D mentioned that I might have some spotting but if it turned into period like flow or if I was still bleeding on Wednesday to call her.

No bleeding Monday. No bleeding Tuesday. No bleeding Wednesday. Bright red blood Thursday morning.

Well, I decided that I probably needed to call and thought they'd probably want me to come in. At 35 1/2 weeks pregnant I have this fear that I'm going to go to a doctor's appointment and they are going to make me stay and have the baby so of course I had to shower and eat breakfast before I could go to the doctor. This was fine since they don't open until 8:30am and I woke up at 6:45am.

I go about my business getting ready. I'm overanalyzing every like ache, pain and twinge in my body. I keep checking for more blood. (There isn't any.) And then I start thinking about the fact that JW has two hearings that day and that I have three job interviews next week. I'm wondering how it sounds when you call to reschedule an interview because you had a baby.

As I'm eating breakfast I start to freak out about the fact that I don't really have anything packed....my mom bought me pjs for the hospital but I haven't even washed them....what if I have to describe to someone where everything is like our camera and video camera.....and my parents will come stay with us if I have the baby and I have no food in the fridge, no snacks in the pantry and no diet cokes for my mom and dad.

And of all of these stupid worries are piling up on top of the big worry about why am I bleeding and is the baby okay???

I finally got to talk to someone about 8:30am and she said that it was nothing probably just spotting from the internal. She wasn't concerned because it had stopped. Call back if it starts up again.

So, now I'm feeling dumb. 1) Because I totally was freaking out and 2) because the nurse made me feel like an idiot with her tone of voice and what not. I went to work and had to just pull the car over in a parking lot and let it all out. I just sat there and cried for a good 5 minutes or so. I'm not a big crier but it was a great way to relieve the stress of freaking out over bleeding, the frustration of feeling like an idiot thanks to the nurse and just let out all the other stress about finding a job, having a baby, moving, etc etc etc.

I'm blessed...but also swollen....

2008-05-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

Seriously, getting pregnant was the hard part. 35 1/2 weeks in I can say that overall this pregnancy has been pretty easy. I wasn't sick much...just a little queasy during the first trimester. I had some gall bladder issues for a few weeks but those went away. I've gained about 30 lbs total and have just recently started to get uncomfortable when trying to bend over or get out of bed. Certain things do make me start breathing heavier than before but face it growing a human being AND doing the laundry at the same time is asking A LOT. Plus the heavy breathing is a good reason to ask JW to help with stuff around the house that I would normally just take care of.

But I am swollen! Oh dear it is crazy. I have started wearing my wedding rings on a chain around my neck because I could barely get them off my finger on Sunday. And I'm not sure who the owner of the feet and ankles I'm currently sporting are but it isn't me. These feet that are currently attached to my body don't really fit into any of my shoes by around noon-ish. This means I'm wearing not so "professional dress" flip flops during the afternoon at work. I wore sneakers (yes, I call them sneakers) to work on jeans day and when I got home my feet look fine but my ankles were huge. They were beyond cankles.....it actually looked like a round ball had settled right above the shoes.

I'm currently in the process of interviewing for a new job and I'm always a little nervous that they are going to want me to come for an interview in the afternoon....what shoes will I wear???

JW and I were in the mall last week and I was browsing the shoe section. I could tell he was getting antsy so I just looked at him and said, "I don't know why I'm looking at shoes. I can't even see my feet."

I hope my ankles return to normal after the baby arrives. On a related note I hope my belly button does too since it disappeared a few weeks ago.

Now it is time to go and put my feet up on something....

The End is Near....

2008-05-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

The end of this pregnancy is drawing near. We went to the doctor yesterday and as we checked out I made all of my appointments for the remaining weeks. The weirdest part was that I only made 4 appointments....and one of them is for after my due date.

The appointments are every week now and I actually get to get undressed from the waist down!! They feel like real appointments instead of just sitting there talking. I know...I'm excited about undressing at the doctor's office...I'm a freak.

So, baby is good, weight gain is good, the end is near and there is no turning back!! I can't wait to meet this little one.

It worked....

2008-05-05T16:53:00.001-07:00

Our good friends N and T have walked beside us on this infertile journey. We have totally different circumstances--we're unexplained; he's a cancer survivor who banked sperm before treatment so IVF was their first and only option for a biological child--but it has been so wonderful to have someone in real life who understands what it is like to give yourself shots, wait for a beta and just that things aren't always easy.

Anyway, N and T found out last week that their FET was a success!!! Her first beta was over 300...and since they transferred three embryos we're now on the edge of our seats waiting to see just how many babies are in there!!
My only sadness comes from the fact that since we're moving across the metroplex we won't be seeing them every week through this pregnancy or raising our sweet babies together. I do know that the Lord brought us together as friends at just the perfect time in our lives.
Of course I'm totally trying to pressure her into starting a blog....because everyone loves a good IVF triplet pregnancy blog!!!

32 weeks...

2008-04-13T19:51:00.001-07:00

Well, today is 32 weeks. Working on month 8. I can't really believe it.

We saw our RE last weekend when we went out to dinner. JW looks over and says, "I think that's our fertility doctor." It made me laugh because he said it like he couldn't remember Dr. K's name after all this time. Anyway, Dr. K came over to our table shook JW's hand, gave me a big hug and commented on how different I look from the last time he saw me (which was at 7 weeks).
After Dr. K left JW and I started talking about some friends of ours who have a FET this week. It is their second frozen transfer after two unsuccessful fresh transfers. JW noted that he thought T$ (the wife) looked really sad and kind of uninterested at the baby shower we went to (as mentioned in the previous post). I started talking about how hard baby showers are and how hard babies are in general. And it just rambled into a whole monologue about feeling happy for your friend but sad for yourself and then feeling kind of like a jerk for being sad and jealous.....and well, I almost started crying there at the table.

Anyway, our friends had their FET on Friday so they should know the results in about 1 1/2 weeks or so. I've never wanted someone I know to have a baby as badly as I want this couple to (except for my sister and brother-in-law when they were going through the adoption process). We've walked beside this couple through both of our struggles to conceive. We did clomid and injectables and stuff before moving on to IVF. They went straight to IVF because they know it is the only way for them to conceive a child. T$ has been my real life friend to talk about things like the HSG test, giving yourself a shot, PIO pains and of course the terrible feeling of failure when a cycle doesn't work out. I love my blog IF friends but I know it is a special blessing to have a real life friend to talk to about this kind of stuff. And although IVF is a special club we belong to I'm ready for my friend to also get to join the Mommy Club.
So, we wait. We hope. We pray. Wait, Hope, Pray....a continuous cycle if the IF world.

Great moments....

2008-04-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

So, we went to a couples' baby shower on Friday night. Their sweet baby is due in early August but they've moved to Iowa and this was the chance to have a little "home town" shower for them. Anyway, the theme of the shower was "Good things come in tiny packages" because they needed to get tiny things so they wouldn't be lugging home big stuff on the airplane. I got them their grooming kit and two small books. Here is the conversation that ensued after they opened our gift:

N (mom-to be): Oh! And books. I don't think we have these yet.
J (Dad to be): These are great. Are y'all reading to the baby yet?
JW and I exchange a look. Reading to the baby? In the womb?? Seriously???
Me: "No. But the baby does watch a lot of TV."

Ahh....we're bad parents already. :)

Doctor Update...

2008-03-25T20:54:00.001-07:00

Well, I called the nurse this morning and her words were "severely anemic." I've struggled with anemia on and off my whole life so this wasn't a shocker. It was a relief to hear that I passed the 1 hour glucose test. It made me feel terrible so I was dreading the thought of the 3 hour and dreading even more the possibility of gestational diabetes.
So I get to take a prescription iron pill every day and have my blood redrawn in a month. Between you and me I'm really bad at remembering to take pills. I can easily remember to give myself an injection every day but even during IF treatments it was always hard for me to remember to take the oral medications. Maybe I will make JW responsible for reminding me to take my iron....that way at least I can blame it on someone else if I forget.

So now I'm nervous...

2008-03-24T18:10:00.001-07:00

When we got home from work today JW checked the messages. There was a message from Dr. D's nurse asking me to call her. Gee, I wish she'd called my cell phone. JW asked if I was going to call her back. I told him that they won't be at the office at 6:45pm and this didn't seem like an on-call doctor type thing.
Last Thursday I had my 1 hour glucose tolerance test. Dr. D told me that they would only call me if I failed the test or was anemic....either way now I'm nervous.
The 1 hour glucose test made me feel awful so I'm dreading that she might say I need to take the 3 hour test and of course I'm dreading the threat of gestational diabetes even more.
And of course I'm just going to feel like a bad baby mama if I'm anemic.

Of course I'll be calling Dr. D's office first thing tomorrow morning!!

(Chris, if you read this before tomorrow's update don't tell mom. I don't want her to worry for nothing.)

What's in a name.... (updated)

2008-03-20T16:14:00.001-07:00

I told JW last night that he only has 11 Saturdays until the baby arrives....thinking about it like that made me realize how fast the time is going to pass...especially since my weeks will be filled with work, grad school and finding a new job. JW's response was, "I guess we should pick a name." The name game has been difficult for us. We never really talked about names during the whole struggle to get pregnant. It hurt my heart to try to name a baby that didn't seem like it would ever be real. So, no names were really discussed until the beta in September. Since then we've narrowed the list down....sort of.

If this baby is a boy, then his name will be Noah. I've loved the name Noah forever and it is the only name JW and I both like for a boy. (Side note: I also really like Nathan and Graham but JW wouldn't really go for either of those)
The girl name is where the real problems begin. We had it pretty much narrowed down to Parker or Meryn. We can't agree on how to spell Meryn though.....here are the options generated by us and our family members:

Meryn
Merin
Marin
Maren

Maren got on the list in the first place because we heard it in a movie and liked it. I assumed at the time that it was spelt Merin....Erin with an M on it. Later I saw online a girl who named her baby "Maren" and I said, "She named her baby Merin but look how she spelled it." JW replied, "That's how it is spelled." Oh.
Then I was looking for bedding and saw a bedding set named Meryn....loved the spelling (didn't care for the bedding). And so the debate began...and continues.

Then lately JW brought up Olivia. And there is something about Olivia that is growing on me despite its popularity.

So, sisters in blogland, what do you think?? Leave a comment and let me know.
(And since my real life sister reads this blog as well you can chime in and vote too although I know you like the spelling Marin.)

Oh, and the middle name for a girl will be Leigh if we use Parker or Merin. Lee is JW's middle name. We won't use Leigh for Olivia though....we would use Peyton (or maybe Payton) which is JW's grandfather's name.

UPDATE: I promise not be offended at all by any of your opinions (even if you say you hate all the names and you hate me too) as long as you promise not be offended if we pick something besides what you suggest :)

Is it just me???

2008-03-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

Crazy things happen to me sometimes. I used to think these types of things happen to everyone...but now I'm starting to wonder if it is just me. Here's my example from today:

Today I was suppose to start a new class in my master's program. The class is suppose to meet every Wednesday from March 12-May 7 from 4:30-10:30. Yes. You read that right--6 hours each night. I registered for the class when I signed up for spring classes in December. I haven't really thought about it since. So, today I got online to double check where exactly the class was meeting and the computer was telling me the class didn't exist. Hmmm....so I called the Educational Leadership department at the university I attend. The secretary informs me that I was indeed enrolled in the class but that the class met from Jan 16-March 5!!!

WHAT???

Now, I begin TOTALLY freaking out. Did I write down the wrong dates? Am I that stupid? Did they change the class and not tell me? Did they tell me and I somehow missed it??
I already paid!! I paid with a student loan so I not only paid for a class I never went to but I have to pay interest too!! I never showed up so it looks like I dropped...but now it is going to show up as an F on my transcript!!!! So, of course when I freak out I also start crying hysterically. (This condition has been slightly aggrevated over the past year and a half due to the hormone fluctuations in my body thanks to clomid, gonal-f, infertility in general and now pregnancy).
Not taking the class this semester means that I won't have 18 hours in my graduate program by the summer. It means that I won't be able to take the Texas principal certification exam this summer which might be crucial in finding a new job. It means that I'm going to be behind in my coursework.
I call JW and tell him all about how stupid I am and how I'm a bad wife and I've just wasted all this money at a time when we are trying to get control over our finances.

Did I mention that I'm having this breakdown at work????

Anyway, after much hysterical crying I finally get in touch with my advisor. The class dates were indeed changed. The university should've notified me but sometimes that doesn't happen (WHAT??). But PRAISE THE LORD because the advisor was totally able to "fix" it.
Here's the "fix:"
1) I'm going to get an incomplete instead of an F.
2) She's going to talk to the department chair about self-paced study with either the actual professor or with the department chair himself.
3) I won't have to pay anymore money!!

The great thing about the self-paced study is that I've heard from several people that this class is one of the easiest in the program.....and if I've taken classes from the department chair before and he isn't a tough professor at all. So, this could actually wind up for the best....because I will probably be able to complete the course before the baby arrives, stay on track in my course plan and not have to sit in an uncomfortable plastic chair for 6 hours each night!!
WOOHOO!! Thank you, Jesus!!

The other kind of cool part in all this is that I hang out with two high school girls from church every Wednesday. I was really worrying about how this class was going to affect the time I have left to invest in these girls before we move. And now it looks like I'll probably still be able to hang out and disciple them on Wednesday evenings because I won't have class afterall. YIPPEE!!

So all is well that ends well but let me tell you that it was a very stressful 45 minutes trying to figure it all out. Do things like this happen to other people too?? Or is it just me??

Softball comments...

2008-03-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

JW plays on a softball team with some guys we knew in college. Tonight I went to his game and one of the guys pointed at my belly and said, "That's new." JW replies, "Actually it's been cooking for quite a while."

We're in the 3rd trimester now so I guess the bump is pretty obvious!!!

Silly girl....

2008-03-06T18:32:00.000-08:00

So last night I was on my way home from church and I called JW to see what he wanted to do about dinner. I didn't really feel like cooking since it was already 8:30ish. Anyway, he's asking me what fast food places I'll drive past on the way home so I start listed them out. He says, "Taco Bueno sounds good. I want the nachos from there with the steak." I told him they don't have those kind of nachos at Bueno and that he's thinking about the nachos at Rosa's. As I'm telling him this I swing into the Bueno and glance at the drive thru menu to be sure.
I confirm that I'm correct but instead of backing up I just decide to drive around....but there is a car at the window so now I'm stuck in the drive thru lane. I'm still on the phone with JW and I start laughing hysterically as I'm telling him what I did.
So he tells me, "Since your there just order" but I have to explain that the drive thru is kind of L shaped and I've gone around the curve and I can't possibly back up around the curve because backing up isn't really my thing....which my husband already knows but it just makes him laugh harder.
So, as I'm pulling out of the Bueno JW says that Wendy's sounds good....so Wendy's it was.

We must be crazy....

2008-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

We must be crazy. I posted awhile back about JW's firm closing. This has kind of been a trying time for us. And he was offered a great job this week!!! It has great hours, its family friendly and a great professional opportunity for JW. The only drawback is that it is 50+ miles from where we live.

So, WE'RE MOVING. Now, I know lots of people move and maybe this isn't a big deal except....JW starts his new job next week. I work for a school district and am under contract through June 6. So, we'll be staying put through the end of the school year.

Our baby is due June 7th. So, we'll be in our current location through the baby's arrival.....And then we'll have about 11-12 weeks between when the baby arrives and when I'll need to start my new job (which I haven't found yet). (See title of entry)So, I'm going to pack up our house and move with an infant...(See title of entry)..

...assuming that we can sell our house. If we can't sell our house then we'll leave all the furniture so it looks nice for potential buyers and take our necessities to my parents house and live with them until our house sells. Yes, I said living with my parents. (See title of entry)

The new job is closer to my parents, my sister and her family, JW's brother and his wife so that will be nice. Several of our college friends live in that area as well. But we are sad about leaving our current house, our friends here and our church.

I'm trying my best not to stress about the whole selling a house, finding a job, having a baby all at the same time thing. But I'm really starting to think that we may be crazy.

I'm telling my current job next week that I'm not going to resign my contract. I'm dreading this because I feel like I'm letting them down and I don't deal well with disappointing other people. My principal was already freaking out about me having a baby this summer and not being around to handle certain issues....I hope she doesn't straight pass out when I mention we're moving.
Wish me luck!

I crack myself up....

2008-02-28T12:09:00.001-08:00

A few weeks ago one of the assistant principals on my campus patted my belly. It was just after I'd definitely started to show and finally gone from that "Is she or isn't she?" stage to where it is obvious that I am pregnant.
Anyway, it was still weird that this guy who I don't know very well would pat me....so I reached over and patted his stomach right back. He weighs about 275 so there was definitely some gut to pat. I could tell it totally caught him off guard but he just responded by saying, "Mine's still bigger." To which I said, "True but give me a month or two and maybe we'll even out." Then I walked off.
I'm so proud of myself that I patted someone back when I was uncomfortable. I honestly don't mind when my friends and family touch my stomach. My mom and sister spent forever on Monday night trying to get the baby to kick and it wasn't weird. But there is definitely an inner circle of people that I'm okay with and others that I'm not.

On a side note: when my sister kept whispering to the baby over and over I finally had to say that it was just too weird.
I told JW the other night that the books say the dad should talk to the baby during pregnancy so the baby will recognize his voice. JW just gave me a look and then said, "Can I just talk to you and let the baby listen?"

Pet Peeves...

2008-02-26T11:02:00.001-08:00

One of my pet peeves is when people mispronounce the word "SALMON."
The L is silent. It isn't SaL-Mon....it's SAM--uhn.

ARGGGG!!
I'm supervising a training today and the presenter has mispronounced it EVERY time. Of course this is also the 4th time I've seen their presentation so the repetitive-ness of my day may just be wearing me out.

No clever title....

2008-02-17T18:54:00.000-08:00

This weekend was all about productivity for us. First, let me explain that usually weekends are not a time when I get a lot accomplished. There have been times I've come home from work on Friday and not left the house until church on Sunday morning. Yes, I realize how thrilling that makes my life sound but oh well.
Anyway, JW and I had big plans for this weekend. Saturday we went to the baby furniture store and ordered our crib and dresser for the nursery. We've been there several times to browse and it was nice to finally make a decision. The sales lady told us it would take 8-12 weeks for the crib to come in which is ridiculous but should still be enough time before Baby W makes his/her appearance. The sales lady also tried to sell us the rails that make the crib into a bed. This isn't really a feature that I'm interested in but I actually heard myself say "Well, when this baby moves out of the crib it will probably be because we're moving a second baby into it." Then in my head I thought "What the heck is wrong with you? Are you really making plans for baby #2? Haven't you learned anything from this journey?" I know that the plans for our family aren't mine to make but that the Lord is ultimately in control of when, how and if children are added to our family. And yet honestly I do often think that we'll just conceive #2 on our own. We have unexplained infertility and even the doctors agree that it could happen without medical intervention. JW's job change means we don't have infertility coverage which makes the prospect of more IVFs a little daunting. We have already committed that no matter what we will go back for our frozen embryo from IVF #1. I feel committed to give that baby a chance.

Then we decided to go to Babies R Us to register. This was an interesting experience. JW and I walked up and down the aisles and I picked the items that I've heard good things about from other moms or seen other moms using. I guess the good thing about wanting a baby so long and watching TONS of your friends have babies is that when it is finally your turn you at least know what to buy. JW had tons of questions about what things were, how they worked and why we needed them. Overall we had a good time.
Although the entire time we were at Babies R Us there were constant reminders of why I dislike the store so much. There were pregnant women EVERYWHERE. And of course I still felt some of those infertile pangs and longings....even though I'm having a baby now too. The other reason is that it seemed on every aisle were young teen moms registering with their mothers or their friends. Anyone who has dealt with infertility knows that my reaction to these young women wasn't "Shame. Shame." but was instead thoughts about how pregnancy came so easy for them and honestly jealously over that. I know this is completely ridiculous and I hope y'all will forgive me but it is just a weird reaction from walking the journey of infertility. Although I'm pregnant I still struggle with jealousy that it happens so easily for some people. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone of course but I just sometimes wonder why it was so complicated for us.

This post actually turned out a lot longer than I anticipated. Now I need to figure out what to wear to work tomorrow since I don't get President's Day off....I'm not complaining though because as a school employee I have an entire week off in March.....Woohoo!!

Baby comments from teenagers....

2008-01-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

I work at a middle school. I coach 7th grade cheerleaders. I work with teenage girls in our church's youth group. I spend a lot of time with girls aged 12-16. Here are some of the great conversations I've had this week:

Conversation 1:
The girls at cheer practice asked me if we knew if it was a girl or a boy yet. Alex and Tarah are two girls on my squad.

Me: We aren't going to find out. We're going to be surprised.
Tarah: What? How do you have a baby shower if you don't know what it is?
Me: Um, I guess you just get the things that all babies need whether they are girls or boys.
Tarah: Like diapers?
Alex: Yeah. And bottles.

Isn't it great to know that despite the multi million dollar baby product industry all I'll really need is diapers and bottles??

Conversation 2:
Courtney: When is your baby due?
Me: Early June. Right after school let's out.
Courtney: That's cool. You should wait and have it in July because that's when my birthday is.
Me: It would be great to have the baby on your birthday but I don't think I can hold the baby in for four extra weeks.
Courtney: Oh yeah. I guess.

Conversation 3:
Jessica: Is it a boy or a girl?
Me: We aren't going to find out.
Jessica: So, it'll be a surprise.
Mariah: That's stupid. Why would you do that?
Me: Umm....

Now, although I was a little caught off guard Mariah's comment of "that's stupid" wasn't totally unexpected. Mariah thinks lots of things that adults do or say are stupid. The funny thing about this conversation is that I don't really have a great answer for "Why would you do that?"....except "Because we don't want to know." Mariah went on to tell me how it is "stupid" to wait until after the baby gets here to buy clothes or to paint the nursery green. The funny thing is that I've had plenty of adults tell me the same thing....they just have a little more tact so they don't blurt out that they think we're stupid or insane....they just say it behind your back :)

Sonogram pics....

2008-01-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

We had our 20 week sonogram last week. I was actually freaking out a little bit in the days leading up to the sonogram but everything looked great. Everything was measuring right and looked good. I specifically asked the sonographer if the baby's head seemed large because I come from a family of large headed babies. We even out over time and don't have freakishly large heads as adults but the baby heads are HUGE. This is frightening to me as I consider a vaginal delivery of a baby with an enormous head. She reassured me though that the head seemed normal.

We did not find out the sex....yes, on purpose. We decided after our BFP that if it was two babies we'd find out but we'd keep it a surprise if it was just one. So, when that 7 week sonogram showed one heartbeat it was decided to let Baby #1 be a surprise.

Below are two sonogram pics. The first one is of the baby's face. It looks like the head is open but it didn't really look like that on the sonogram. The second one is a side shot of the spine.

I'll be honest....seeing our baby on the sonogram waving his/her hands and feet was amazing. It was 1 billion times better than I ever imagined during all those ovary sonograms at the RE's. Sometimes I can't believe that it has already been a year since our last failed clomid/IUI cycle and our decision to move on from my OB/GYN to Dr. K. Looking back it seems like the time flew by although I know from the reality of living it that every failed month felt like an eternity. Infertility sucks. I wouldn't want anyone to have to deal with it.....but I also know that it all seems worth it when I feel this baby kick me and see his cute little face on the screen (although he doesn't seem that cute in the pic).
And yes, I often refer to the baby as a he because 1) i think it's a boy and 2) because we have settled on a boy's name but the girl's name is still up in the air so it is just easier if it is a boy. :)

Fight on....

2008-01-20T11:46:00.000-08:00

Infertility sucks. It just does. Even if you have faith and are upbeat and trust that someday you'll have a family...the denial of something you want is frustrating and sucks.

Our friends, T and N, found out on Friday that their second fresh IVF didn't work. So, they have two failed fresh IVFs and a failed FET. I know they are frustrated. She has great response. She produces lots of eggs. Their embryos have grown to 5 day blasts after both retrievals. They transferred two and froze 3 after the first retrieval. They transferred two awesome looking embryos this time around. I know it is difficult to question "Why? Why? Why?" and have all experts say "We don't know."

They are on a shared risk program and have two more fresh tries included in their package. They are waiting until June though because they are both teachers and have to miss work to go to their clinic (which is in another state).

There is a part of me that wants to ask 1000 questions about "are you doing this? did your doctor say this? what about another clinic closer to home? have y'all tested this?" etc. And although I want to ask all these things because I care about them I also know that they don't need 1000 questions. They just need support. They need acknowledgement that infertility sucks....that failed cycles suck. They need held hands and hugs are they question themselves about what is going on with their embryos and where to go from here.

They need prayer. We're offering that and food....I mean, that's what friends are for.

Weekend Highlights....

2008-01-14T06:15:00.000-08:00

Friday night---Mexican food! YUM!

Saturday--babysat my niece Ava. She's almost 5 months old and is getting SO fun. She laughs so much and loves to play with her toys. She is also rolling all over so you can't take your eyes off her for a minute....okay, in all honesty we haven't been able to take our eyes off her since my sister brought her home because she is just so darn cute. JW was so good at holding her, feeding her and entertaining her when I was tired.....but he did leave all the diaper changing up to me.

Sunday--I felt the baby move for the first time!! It was crazy and wonderful. We have our next ultrasound a week from today and I'm so excited to see our little one again.

Microwave issues....

2008-01-09T14:24:00.001-08:00

The school building I work in is really old. You can tell that parts were added to the original building or that certain areas were remodeled in an "Oh, we need this now" sort of way. The front office of the school is kind of difficult to find. I drove around the building twice when I first came to interview here. I met one of my best friends at work because she was wearing a suit and wandering through the halls looking for the office (so glad my principal hired her so we could become friends).

Anyway, I have a small office with no windows. There is however a large vent on one of the walls....and on the other side of that wall is the kitchenette area of the office. The kitchenette has a sink, microwave and small fridge. It is nice to be able to heat up breakfast or lunch etc without having to trek down to the teacher's lounge. The bad part is that because of the vent my office smells like whatever is happening in the kitchenette. For example, each morning when the coffee is brewed my office starts to smell like french roast or whatever flavor has been chosen that morning.

Mornings aren't bad....it is the afternoon when I have issues. People start using the microwave and all sorts of weird smells wash over my office. Stews, leftovers, Lean Cuisine meals and the list goes on and on. I guess I should point out at this point that I have a hyper sensitive sense of smell. My family used to call me "The Nose" and not because my nose is big but because I can smell EVERYTHING.

And I'm starting to have serious issues with what people are microwaving in the office. I may have to post some rules on the microwave. They might look like this:

DO NOT USE THIS MICROWAVE FOR:
1) FISH. If you've brought fish for lunch go to the lounge to heat it, better yet just throw it out because even the idea of leftover, reheated fish is disgusting. This rule applies twice for salmon.

2) POPCORN. It's salty and delicious but my office will smell like it forever. No thanks.

3) All other foods must be approved by AMY before heating.

Thanks!

Don't you think I'll be popular in the office??
It is all in the name of sanity and getting work done though since I had to leave my office and seek refuge elsewhere today so the salmon smell could clear out.

Update on T....

2008-01-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

Well, my friend T had her retrieval and all went well. They got 16 eggs...she has rockstar ovaries. Several fertilized and they transferred two back this morning. She is resting today and they are coming back to Texas tomorrow. They should also find out how many will be frozen tomorrow as well.

And the beta wait begins......time ticks so slowly sometimes.

Keep your fingers crossed for T...

2008-01-02T19:58:00.000-08:00

My friend T is a real life friend traveling the IF journey too. Her husband, N, is a cancer survivor and they moved straight to IVF to use the sperm he banked before his cancer treatments started. They did their first IVF in July, transferred two great embryos and walked away empty handed. They tried a FET in August, transferred three and still negative. Due to some special circumstances with N's sperm sample they are using a clinic in Northern Virginia. We live in Texas so it poses a few problems as far as the frequency of appointments. Any of you who visit an RE can imagine the issues and problems they have.

Anyway, N & T spent Christmas and New Year's in Virginia at their clinic for another fresh IVF attempt. T's numbers skyrocketed above 5000 and it looked like their cycle was going to have to be cancelled. However, as of today her levels are back down to 1850....PRAISE THE LORD!....and their retrieval is scheduled for Friday.

So, please keep your fingers crossed for T as they approached retrieval and transfer. They've spent a lot of time in Virginia at this point and things are getting a little sticky with needing an extra few days off from their jobs. We are praying that this will be the cycle that the Lord blesses them with a baby (or two).

I think that's everybody....

2007-12-23T13:30:00.000-08:00

Well, we told the rest of JW's family on December 23rd. It turns out that my father-in-law figured we would want to tell everyone ourselves but failed to mention that to us until last week. Anyway, I wore a bulky cable knit cardigan so it wouldn't be so obvious when we walked in the house.
After dinner while everyone was sitting around talking JW announced our news. It is kind of exciting because everyone else we told knew all the details about the IVF and was sitting on the edge of their seats waiting......but JW's grandparents, aunt and cousins were truly caught off guard and not expecting the announcement.
JW's grandfather was so cute. He got so excited and started talking all about his great-grandbaby.
I was really nervous about telling them because I felt bad saying "Hey we're pregnant. I'm 16 weeks along and you're just finding out." But they didn't seem to care. They were just excited.
On Christmas morning, one of my gifts was pajamas. JW's grandma says, "I didn't know you were pregnant or I would've bought a bigger size. They have a drawstring though."

So, now I'm pretty sure everyone knows that we're having a baby. Now they just all want to know what it is.....too bad we aren't finding out!

Another appointment down....

2007-12-20T13:25:00.000-08:00

We had another appointment with the OB/GYN today. The heartbeat was in the 140s and everything else is looking good (blood pressure, weight gain, etc). It is so weird to go to the doctor only once a month. Through infertility and especially through the IVF cycle I just got SO used to going all the time....I can't believe they only want to see me every four weeks now.

We scheduled our next appointment for Jan 21st. It is the "Big Ultrasound" one but I don't think we're going to find out the gender. JW says the suspense might kill him but then I remind him that the suspense shouldn't build too much because it is either a boy or a girl.

We're headed to my in-laws for Christmas. I'm excited and it should be fun times. It should also be interesting because we found out last week that my in-laws haven't told any of the extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) that we're expecting. So, we're rolling into town, visibly pregnant and springing the news on everybody. "Hey, didn't you know we're pregnant? I'm already 4 months along!" This might be slightly awkward.
When I first heard that my in-laws didn't tell anyone I kind of freaked out because I wondered, "Are they not excited about their first grandbaby?" I wondered this mainly because my parents, in contrast, were slightly irritated that we asked them to wait to tell their friends until after we had our ultrasound and saw the heartbeat. On a side note, my parents didn't even wait that long to tell my aunts and uncles.
But then I realize that this isn't really about the in-laws level of excitement and is a lot more about communication within their family. They just do things differently than my family. And I guess if their communication style is my biggest complaint than really in the grand scheme of things I lucked out as far as in-laws are concerned.

But, don't you think it is a little weird that they didn't tell anyone?? Just a little??

My husband has opinions....

2007-12-16T20:19:00.000-08:00

My senior year in college some friends of ours were engaged. The guy refused to go with the girl to register. He just wasn't interested in that type of thing. I remember at the time being appalled by his behavior and worried that JW might be the same way if we someday got married. I worried for nothing.

I went to all the stores before we registered and kind of "pre registered" in my mind so it would seem painless to JW. I didn't think guys were particularly interested in china, towels, toaster ovens, etc. So, the lady at the department store lays out 5 place settings of china including the one I "pre-registered" for in my mind (and had already showed my mom and sister). The first words out of JW's mouth were "Not that one" as he pointed at my favorite. I was totally shocked that he even had an opinion on china. In the end, we compromised and got something different. And I love my china although I sometimes still think about that other pattern.

Fast forward 4 1/2 years later to the baby furniture store. I've been thinking white crib since long before we got pregnant...infertility gives one lots of extra time to think about such things. So, today we browsed a furniture store on our way to my sister's house. We walk up and down the aisles looking at TONS of different cribs. JW asks, "So, why do you really want a white one?" I couldn't help but think "Crap. This man gets opinions at all the wrong times." He found an espresso colored crib that he likes. And I like the espresso crib too and I have friends who have them and they look great.....BUT in my mind I've been envisioning the white crib, the white dresser...and well honestly the nursery isn't planned much farther than that since we've decided not to find out the gender which makes bedding choices a little difficult. But I want white.

Part of me wants to just say "We're getting white. End of story." But I know this is his baby too and he should get some say in the investment we're about to make in furniture.

I know that in the grand scheme of life the color of the crib is insignificant and meaningless but I just wonder why men get opinions at all the wrong times.

Out of the mouths of 7th graders...

2007-12-13T13:29:00.000-08:00

So today I was observing a teacher. I'm sitting in the back of the classroom with my notepad. One of my 7th grade cheerleaders is in the class. She leans over and asks me....

Alex: Are you one month pregnant yet?
Me: Well, actually I'm almost 4.

Poor thing she looked so shocked. I just had to laugh. It wasn't the time or the place to explain that by the time you find out your pregnant you are pretty much already 1 month pregnant.
I did tell my girls right after Thanksgiving though and I guess it never occurred to her that I was pregnant for a while before I told the cheerleading squad. Gotta love 7th grade.

God's timing is perfect...

2007-12-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

God's timing is perfect and good even when we don't understand it. We have learned so much about God's sovereignty over our lives through our infertility journey. I knew learning these lessons about God's goodness and provision were important but I didn't know how quickly I'd get to apply my faith and knowledge about who God is and that He is in control of our lives.....

Yesterday afternoon JW received some bad news. The firm he works for is closing it's Texas office where JW works. The firm will official close its doors on February 1st.

Obviously this is stressful for tons of reasons--suddenly my husband needs a job, we're having a baby, we have bills to pay, it's Christmas. One of the most stressful things is that it could mean we need to move. Right now I just can't really wrap my brain around finishing the school year, having a baby and moving.... I know I need to set that aside and cross that bridge when I get there.

I do know that the firm's announcement did not catch the Lord off guard. It is stressful and disappointing but we have also been so blessed by JW's job with this firm. He has worked with great people and the benefits have been great. Especially the medical insurance. JW's firm is actually based out of Massachusetts so we had full fertility coverage. We paid only copays for 5 IUI cycles and our IVF cycle. The frozen storage for our embryo has already been paid by the insurance for the next two years. We are blessed. God's timing is so good because I don't know what we would do at this point if we were still in the throws of IVF. It is a little too much to think about.

I'll now be back on my school's insurance plan which is decent medical coverage but has not infertility benefits. They will cover my pregnancy though and I don't have to switch OBs or anything, so that is good.

For now the job search is on and the budgeting has begun. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. We're buckling up and hanging on to Jesus because this might be wild ride!

Out of the bag....

2007-12-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

So, today the ladies in the front office confronted me to "spill the beans" about the baby.....it was so funny because I thought that they already knew....I feel like lots of people know but I'm not going to make some HUGE announcement or anything at work. I didn't send out a mass email to my friends so why would I do that with my co-workers??
Anyway, it was pretty funny because I said, "I thought y'all knew" and they said "Well we did know because it is obvious but it wasn't official."

Here's to you....

2007-11-29T14:15:00.000-08:00

JJ at Reproductive Jeans had the idea to give shout-outs to the blogs that inspired you to start yours.

First and foremost the blog that really got me started was Stirrup Queens. Not only do I totally agree that Mel's thoughts are always "spot-on" but I love the virtual lushary and the hundreds of blogs on her blog roll. Just scrolling through the list makes you feel less alone.

Secondly, I have to admit that I was totally inspired by my many real life friends and their baby blogs. It seemed like suddenly everyone was blogging about having a baby.....and I didn't have one and I needed a place to talk about that. Especially because when this blog started we hadn't really told anyone about our struggles.

And now there are so many of you that I read regularly. I love when my bloglines shows you have updated. Your stories touch my heart. There are so many posts I've read that have helped me put my own feelings into words--for myself and for others.

Another awkward pregnancy moment....

2007-11-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

So, I thought the awkward moments of pregnancy would be defined by belly pats or questions about the baby being "natural" .....then I sent out an email and experienced the most awkward moment of pregnancy yet.

You see I sent out an email to a group of friends from high school who I still keep in touch with. There were about 8 people on the email. It basically said that I wasn't going to go to the 10 year reunion because our baby is due the day of the reunion. I did state in the email that I would hopefully see all of them at the two weddings that are coming up in February and March. The grooms of these weddings (Matt and Brian) were both on the email list. I've gone to school with these boys since the 6th grade....and long story short I dated one of them (Brian) in high school. We've all remained friends. Brian has met and hung out with JW several times. I adore Brian's fiancee. It's been over 10 years and we're all just friends.

Anyway, one of the boys (Matt) writes back:
"Congratulations Amy and Brian! That is great news! Can't wait to meet the little girl or boy."

AWKWARD!!!
It is also weird because Matt totally knows my husband and has hung out with him tons. His brain is obviously fried right now by law school finals but it doesn't change the fact that he sent out an email congratulating me and an old boyfriend on having a baby....oh, and yes, Brian was on the reply all list too.

Things I'm thankful for....

2007-11-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

1) My amazing husband
2) Our baby
3) My family and friends
4) My sweet schnauzer, Monty.....even if he does take up more space in a bed than a 20lb dog should
5) Our great church. It is small but we love it!
6) Medical insurance
7) That I have a job I enjoy and that my husband has a job he enjoys
8) I'm most thankful for a God that loves me and for His provision throughout my life and the gift of eternal salvation.

What I did for Thanksgiving....

2007-11-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

This year for Thanksgiving we drove to my grandparents' house in Iowa. It is just about 700 miles from our doorstep to theirs. JW was worried that it would take forever becasue I was going to have to stop ever five miles to use the bathroom. We made it in about 12 hours though and only stopped about 5 times. And then the fun began....

I love going to my grandma's house. It is unlike anyone else's. The entire family converges from around the country. This year we were 22 strong including my super cute 3 month old niece. My grandma's house has four bedrooms but has a big finished basement. There are three bathrooms but one of them is in my grandparents' room which I've been inside of once in my entire life. So, twenty of us are sharing two bathrooms....and only one of them has a shower. You can imagine the hot water situation.

Highlights from the trip:

1) We pulled into my grandparents garage after driving for 12 hours. We experienced misty rain that froze on the car through much of Kansas and Nebraska. Our car was a mess. After unloading, my grandmother asked JW to go clean up the "lake" his car had caused in the garage. So, JW and my dad spent about twenty minutes or so trying to wipe up the puddles from our car. The towel would get soaked so JW was wringing out a soaking wet towel outside when the temperature was in the teens.
Obviously I played the pregnancy card to get our of this one.

2) We shared a room with my sister, her husband and their 3 month old baby. I was really nervous how this would go. Everyone kept saying it would be "good practice." As if someone really needs to practice waking up to a crying baby in the middle of the night. My awesome niece Ava though is a pro sleeper and didn't bother us at all.

3) My 6 year old cousin was playing some type of pretend pirate game with JW and my brother in law....I'm not sure how the whole thing started but he insisted his name was "Arrg" through much of Thanksgiving weekend. He would only respond to "Arrg" and spoke of himself in 3rd person a lot which was hilarious. He also gave JW a pirate name....Fart.

4) My aunt Kim made margaritas. We've NEVER had margaritas at Thanksgiving in my whole life and of course I wanted one SO bad because I can't have one. Honestly though, I'm so thankful to be pregnant even if it means missing out on margaritas until June.

Overall we had a blast. We always leave Iowa with great memories. It was slightly bittersweet as this might be the last time my grandma has the whole family home for the holidays. It is difficult for her to prepare and recover from hosting 20 extra bodies even with my mom and dad's help.

Appointment today....

2007-11-19T18:31:00.001-08:00

We went for our first "official" OB visit today. We heard the heartbeat again on a doppler. Again it was amazing. Man it is nerve wracking when they are looking for it though.....worse than waiting to see if your follicles are big enough.
I love my OB. She's great. She answered all our questions, gave us tons of info, talked to us about the quad screen test and CF testing.
No ultrasound today since we had one two weeks ago. I definitely got spoiled at Dr. K's where you get a sonogram everytime you go except for beta testing days. She did a pelvic exam and seemed satisfied that my ovary was shrinking in size.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to figure out how to scan our sonogram pictures from two weeks ago and see if I can post those here.

This whole pregnancy thing is starting to sink in and feel real.

I don't think I'll ever stop feeling infertile....

2007-11-15T13:29:00.001-08:00

I don't think I'll ever stop feeling infertile. I know I'm pregnant now. I often feel pregnant because I'm nauseous and my pants don't fit. I've seen the medical evidence that I'm pregnant too although I never peed on a stick. It seemed silly to spend money on a test after the blood test proved I was PG.....

Anyway, I still feel infertile though. Maybe infertilily will eventually become just a footnote in our lives but right now it is still a big part of it. People often congratulate me on being pregnant and ask if we're hoping for a boy or a girl....my usual response is that "Well, it was such a journey to get this far that we don't really care and we're thinking about not finding out the gender anyway." This is a weird switch for me because I was sort of private about all of our struggles but now that the Gummy Bear is growing I feel like I want people to know this didn't come easy.

Last night I went to the hospital to see a friend of mine who just had a baby. This is my sweet friend who pulled me aside privately to tell me they were pregnant before she told our entire church small group because she knew I might need some time to process. They tried for over a year but finally got pregnant without medical assistance. I've been excited for her the entire pregnancy. So, I went to the hospital where I'll be delivering and held their sweet little baby. When I left I almost started crying in the parking lot because I still can't really grasp that I'll actually be a mommy in 7 months.

It didn't really make any sense. Maybe it's these hormones....I always laugh when stuff gets blamed on the pregnancy hormones....because I felt much more hormonal while popping pills and injecting myself in the stomach with drugs. That was some craziness. Just ask JW. He's so happy to have his "almost normal" wife back.....I'm not totally myself yet but it is better than with all those IVF drugs.

I'm a bad blogger....

2007-11-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

I'm a bad blogger. I've fallen so far behind in blogging. I've been busy at work so I haven't been able to blog on the job and I haven't been bringing my computer home so I haven't blogged at home either.

So far things have been pretty good. Two weeks ago I woke up with a terrible pain up my left side. I couldn't do anything to get relief and after two hours of pain I finally sucked it up and called the doctor. They told me to go ahead and come in. JW took me to the doctor and I laid down on one of the couches in the waiting room. I'm sure the other women there who were all dressed nicely for their OB/GYN appointments were thinking "What the heck is wrong with that girl?" As I lay there in my fleece pants and t-shirt, no makeup, crazy hair, with my whole body rolled up in a ball.
They took me back and we had an ultrasound....a tummy one not a transvaginal!!! It was kind of crazy. And we got to hear the heartbeat. It was amazing. I'm really looking forward to hearing it again when I don't feel like my side is being riped open....but it was still awesome.
The midwife (who I don't really like) came in to tell me that the baby looked fine and she wanted the sonogram to rule out an ectopic pregnancy but that my ovary was enlarged so I'd have to see the doctor.
As I waited for the doctor I thought "I probably could've told them that the pregnancy wasn't ectopic because the egg was never in my tube to start with." I don't really know if this is medically true but it seems that an IVF ectopic pregnancy would be difficult because the blastocyst was transferred to my uterus....how would it get sucked back up the tube....but I digress.
So Dr. Howell who was on call came in to see me. He was very nice. He seemed a little concerned that my ovary was over 8cm wide. He told me to take it easy for a few days because the pain might've been caused by the ovary twisting. Fun!! The good thing was that he pretty much said it wasn't that big of a deal without making me feel silly for actually coming into the doctor.
I took it easy for a few days and haven't had any significant pain since.

Our next appointment in Nov 19th and I can't wait to hear the heartbeat again!! Woohoo!!

Belly pats and Bella Bands....

2007-10-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

Last week a woman at work patted my belly. It was kind of sweet and entirely uncomfortable at the same time. People seem taken aback when they notice my pooch and ask how far along I am. "Eight weeks." I usually wind up saying, "But the pooch is due to all the fertility medication I was on to get here. The baby is the size of a grain of rice." This always gets interesting responses.....but it is a nice little segway into sharing how the Lord has blessed us.

Today at work I wore a bella band for the first time. I bought this great skirt at the beginning of the year. It is red and white and I wear it with this cute white top and these great red sandals. It is one of my favorite outfits but with the arrival of fall I know there are only a few days left when I'll be able to wear it.....there is just something wrong about strappy sandals and bare legs in November (even in Texas).
Anyway, I only zipped the skirt halfway and wore a band with it. It was awesome. I wish I'd had one of these before I was pregnant for those "fat" days or when we went to eat at a great restaurant. I'm really resisting maternity clothes at this point but I also need to face the reality that my pants don't fit.....so I got the bands and they'll do until I can make it to the mall to buy new pants in a slightly larger size.

Overall I think the pants not fitting would be depressing if I didn't have a good reason for it. I'm so excited about being pregnant and so in love with this baby already that it doesn't bother me. The baby bump is making it hard to keep this pregnancy on the downlow at work.....so I guess I'll be letting people know sooner rather than later.

We have a heartbeat....

2007-10-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

I've been so anxious about this day. I don't know if all newly pregnant women feel this anxiety about the first ultrasound or if this a unique feeling to those of us who've struggled to get this far...

We went into Dr. K's and saw our little baby and a flickering heart on the ultrasound screen. I told Dr. K, "This is so much better than all the other ultrasounds I've had." I had tears in my eyes as we watched the little flicker on the scrren.

Dr. K gave us a few instructions and talked about when I needed to set up an appointment with my OB/GYN. Then he hugged me and shook JW's hand....and that was it. I started crying again. I love Dr. K. I've so looked forward to "graduating" from the RE but I'm going to miss him too. I want to send something to their office but what exactly says "Thanks for making our dream come true!"

Anyway, afterwards JW and I went to lunch and then I enjoyed the rest of the day snuggled on my couch with my dog watching Tivo and napping while it poured rain outside. Back to the real world tomorrow :)

OH!! And my due date is June 6th....the day before my 10 year reunion....I guess I'll be sitting it out!! Woohoo!!

Giving 'em something to talk about....

2007-10-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

I work in the front office of a middle school. I work with the "at-risk" kids. Today I ate lunch in the middle of a huge project but the rest of the office ladies ate together---secretaries, assistant principal and principal. Anyway, all the secretaries were talking about me and asking if I was pregnant.

Here were the symptoms they've noticed:
1) I've looked "green" the past few days....although today it might've been from the paint fumes since our office was painted last night
2) I've been really tired (I must look tired because I haven't told any of them I'm tired)
3) They've noticed a little poochiness in my mid section.

So, basically I'm green, fat and look terrible. HA HA HA!!
I'm so thankful I am pregnant because wouldn't it be awful for people to think you were fat, green and ugly for no reason at all :) :)

Anyway, it was funny because my principal knows I'm pregnant so she called me into her office to tell me that the other office ladies are on to me and be ready because they might try to find out.

I'm going shopping after school tonight to get a few pairs of pants that have a little more room in the waist and some new tops.....because I'm hoping the poochiness in my stomach continues until June!!!

253! Whew!

2007-10-05T06:25:00.001-07:00

So, Wednesday's beta was 253. Woohoo!!

It is so surreal this pregnancy thing. I've wanted to be pregnant for so long that I'm not quite sure what to do with myself now. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm happy....all at the same time. It doesn't really feel real.

I have fluid in my abdomen from all the medications. My RE says this is to be expected but it feels weird that my pants already don't fit at 4 1/2 weeks.

Thanks so much for all the congratulations and best wishes. I love y'all!!

111 is my magic number!!

2007-10-02T07:30:00.001-07:00

We had our first beta yesterday and it was 111!! I'm pregnant. I'm actually pregnant. I really didn't believe it when the nurse called. I still don't really believe it.

I had purchased a onesie from the college we attended over a year ago and intended to give it to JW when we finally got pregnant. So, I took it to work with me yesterday just in case. I got the news around 2pm but we'd already agreed not to talk on the phone about the news whether it was good or bad......so I got home about 4:30pm. I walked in the door and said, "I have a gift for my baby's daddy." And then the excitement began!!!!

We told both sets of our parents, my sister and his brother last night. Otherwise we are keeping it quiet from real life people for as long as possible.....which probably isn't going to be that long since a lot of people know we did IVF.

I have my 2nd beta tomorrow morning and we're hoping to see it double!

I'M PREGNANT!!!! Woohoo!!!

On the ledge....

2007-09-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

So today I went to get my hair cut. The girl who cuts my hair, Shannon, is awesome. Her mom and my mom are good friends and they were our neighbors in high school. Anyway, she asks me about being an aunt and stuff so I show off pictures of my beautiful niece, Ava. Then she starts to tell me about how she is going to be an aunt in April.....her brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Okay, whatever. Then she says, "How's IVF going for you?"

Umm...WHAT??? I'm struck dumb for a second. She asked me seven weeks ago (at my last appointment) if we were going to have kids and I said something along the lines of "hopefully" so she asked, "Are y'all trying?" So, I said "Yes." I didn't want to lie but I didn't go into the IVF details.

Back to the conversation today in the salon......so with my head in the sink I say something like, "It's going good. We're just waiting to see if it worked."
Shannon: Yeah. Your mom told my mom that y'all were doing IVF. So what exactly did they do?"

So I start explaining the IVF basics to Shannon and the hair wash girl in the middle of the salon while trying to control my anger. I'm livid with my mother. I cannot believe she told Shannon's mom. This means other hometown ladies know too. It also means that their daughters know......some of which are my age and while we've known each other since 6th grade we aren't close friends or anything.

WHAT THE HELL MOM???? She told the hometown people about my IVF?!?!!? I'm so frustrated and upset right now......for two reasons:
1) If this IVF doesn't work then how many gosh darn people am I going to have to explain that to?? JW and I prayed about it for weeks before sharing with our Life Group at church and there are other couples in our Life Group dealing with IF....one of them even did IVF and it was hard for us to share it with them. It is on thing to share your disappointment with your family and close friends but casual acquaintences?? Oh dear. I didn't even want to tell the people I work with that I see everyday and actually like!!!!
2) If this IVF does work than so many people will know we are pregnant right off the bat! This is so stressful to me because I know that nothing is guaranteed in this world.

I'm not embarrassed that we are doing IVF. I think that once we have a baby I won't have a problem telling people that yes we had trouble and yes our baby is a miracle.....but holy crap! I really didn't want the whole hometown knowing my business while it is going on!!!! This incident also makes me think that my mother has told our extended family which totally takes away some of the excitement of telling them we're pregnant if we are.....not to mention the fact that we wouldn't have wanted to tell them for a few weeks.

I know I'm probably being dramatic due to all the hormones coursing through my body right now (although JW was also angry when I told him).....but I'm just tired of other people airing our IF laundry out to the world. So here is the new rule:
You can know about our infertiliy and what we're doing about it IF I tell you face to face or you read my blog. If I know you in real life then you are NOT allowed to share my experience or information with ANYONE without my permission!!

Well, I was up on a ledge but now after venting I feel a little better so I'm going to get JW to massage my PIO injection areas and then I'm tucking my hormonal self into bed.

The emotional part has kicked in....

2007-09-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

Saturday day afternoon JW and I were discussing our journey up to this point and I said, "A lot of people talk about how emotional going through IVF is but I feel like it has been about the same intensity as some of our IUI cycles."

Then I started using the Vivelle Dot--which should really be called the Vivelle Freaking Huge Rectangle but I guess that didn't look good on the package--and now the emotions have set in. Work has been really busy this week and it is difficult to run around this huge school when I can barely walk thanks to the progesterone shots. I'm have been so so sore. Tuesday night I almost started crying when JW gave me my shot because I just kept thinking "I can't do this anymore. I can't do this for weeks and weeks if we get pregnant. I can't."
Also, can we talk about how much weight I've gained? I've gained almost 10lbs since the beginning of this cycle....and all 10 lbs are in two places 1) My stomach.... Almost none of my pants fit....the jean capris that used to be loose are super tight. 2) My face.
I have a really sweet friend who I'm very close with and she said, "Is the medicine your on causing you to gain weight?" "Yes" my yoga pants clad self replies. "I thought your cheeks looked a little chubby." I love my friend and she loves me and she didn't mean it meanly at all....and I'm glad I have a friend who will tell me the truth. But goodness! At this rate I'll be in maternity clothes before week 6! Or maybe before my beta!!

But even through this IVF emtional roller coaster, the Lord has been so good. He's provided good friends to keep us focused on Him. And the icing on the cake: Last Friday, my sister and her husband got matched with a first mom at their adoption agency. The weekend was filled with hills, valleys and several loop-to-loops but they brought home my amazing and beautiful niece, Ava on Monday!!! She is perfect in everyway and we are already totally in love with her. We went over on Monday night to meet her and ever since I've been counting the minutes until I can get back over to their house and hold that sweet baby. I'm so excited to be an aunt. I'm so excited for my sister and her husband!! They have been through a lot and now their parents!!

Infertility is a trial and I know many of you out there are on this same road, so here is a little verse that I read last night from the 1st chapter of James:
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

I know the Lord will help us persevere through all these hormonal ups and downs and through whatever comes next.....

1 little snowbaby...

2007-09-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

The clinic called to tell us that one of our embryos made it to freeze. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how this works.....we had 9. 5 were excellent and 4 were good. We transferred two and out of the remaining seven we only got 1 snowbaby???
JW says he's more interested in the two we transferred yesterday and I am too.....but only having one means that if this doesn't work we'll probably start over from scratch and do another fresh cycle.....more meds?!?!? Oh dear.

Let the Baking Begin....

2007-09-22T18:59:00.001-07:00

Here they are!! The two "Maybe Babies" were transferred and are now ready to bake.

Overall the transfer itself was pretty painless....however the nurse pressing on my full bladder with the ultrasound thing totally sucked. See, they asked me to come in at 10:15 and to be working on a full bladder.....well, the clinic was running a little behind so we didn't even get to the procedure room until 11:15!!!! My bladder was extremely full and I was almost in tears because it was hurting so badly.....the minute she stopped pressing I felt so relieved.

Then we came home and my parents came over to bring us lunch and hang out. JW and my dad fixed some stuff around the house, my mom did laundry and I slept....it is wonderful to be spoiled. My friend Callie brought over dinner and it was delicious. I could really get use to this princess business.

Now the waiting begins.....

Day 3 Embryo Report....

2007-09-20T06:59:00.000-07:00

The ARTS department called and we have 4 "good" embryos and 5 "excellent" embryos.
Yes, 4+5 does equal 9. We have 9 embryos, not 8 as we previously thought. It turns out that one of our little ones cleaved late....whatever that means.

Now we just wait until Saturday for the big transfer!

Fertilization Report is IN!!

2007-09-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

Well, everything went well this morning. Getting the IV put in was the worst part....the rest was smooth sailing. They got 14 eggs which was more than we were expecting. 12 of the 14 were mature....and 8 fertilized!!! So we now have 8 babies growing in a petri dish. We are waiting to see which two will be the front runners for Saturday's transfer and keeping our fingers crossed that some will even make it to freeze.

Thanks for all your kind words, prayers and encouragement!!!

Love and Other Impossible Pursuits....

2007-09-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

I've never been in a book club before but when Mel over at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/ mentioned that the new book was by Ayelet Waldman I had to sign up. I love her!!

So how does an online book club work? Basically we read the book and then blog is response to questions posed by other bloggers.....and then bounce all over the internet reading and responding to other blogs about the book.

Love and Other Impossible Pursuits is the story of Emilia's struggle with the loss of her infant daughter and her relationship with her stepson. I laughed out loud and cried as well. I couldn't put the book down and read it in less than 2 days.

And now onto the questions....

1. Throughout the book my feelings towards Emilia were conflicted. If you felt that way too, why did you also feel that way?

Conflicted is a great way to describe my feelings toward Emilia. Part of me loved her but she was often a difficult character to love. Her relationship with her husband started as adultery. Usually I'm really put off by books, movies, shows, etc where adultery occurs. I almost stopped watching Grey's Anatomy over the whole George/Izzy thing..... But Emilia was really real too. I mean, she's struggling with her daughter's death and that pain is so raw and real feeling. Her relationship with William has its ups and downs but you can see that sometimes she is really trying to make it work. I can only imagine that being a stepmom is a difficult job....especially when the child is as resistant as William is and when the 1st wife is as crazy as Caroline in the novel.

In the end I loved Emilia. She isn't perfect but she's lovable. I was rooting for her, Jack and William. Emilia evolves through the novel. Emilia's life is messy and she is far from perfect.....just like a real person.

What sort of relationship do you have with your significant other? Do you feel he/she is your bashert? What effect has IF/loss had on your emotional and/or physical relationship?

I love my husband but I don't think he's my bashert. I don't believe in the idea of a "soul mate." I think focusing on soul mates allows people to ignore the fact that relationships take work. JW "gets" me. He makes me laugh. He's my best friend but our relationship works because we work at making it work. Sometimes it is easy but sometimes it is a lot of work. I think the idea of bashert makes it difficult to handle when things go badly in a relationship, when you're mad at your partner or when things just aren't "clicking." Marriage is a roller coaster (as is life). There are highs and lows.

IF has had a huge effect on our relationship. There have been a lot of lows on this journey and JW has been in the trenches with me. I feel like we are closer than before. I've seen a side of him that I didn't see while we were dating and the first two years of our marriage. I wish we had a baby but I am thankful for what we've learned about each other on this journey. I think it has changed our relationship in a lot of positive ways. Of course I can't wait to see how being parents changes us as well.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston (with author participation!).

Triggering tonight...

2007-09-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

We went in this morning for one more ultrasound with Dr. K. None of his staff come in on Saturdays so it was just him and us. He drew my blood and did an ultrasound. The follicles are looking good with about 10 total in the 15-20 range and most of them closer to 20. There are two that are 23 and 24mm but Dr. K said sometimes they don't get eggs out of the bigger ones.

Anyway, he told me to trigger tonight at 7:30pm and I almost fell off the table because I knew what was coming next: Egg Retrieval at 6:30 am on Monday morning!!! 6:30?? In the morning?? I'm not even up at that time on a work day. I'm not very good with mornings but I'm thinking that I'll be so nervous/excited that I won't have a problem getting up.

Part of me can't believe that we're even doing IVF and that all of this is real. So, keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for us on Monday morning!!

Here's the plan....

2007-09-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound this morning. I showed my stomach to Dr. K because I have red blotches around my injection sites. I also told him that the repronex burns when I inject it.....so he said not to do the repronex anymore and that I could do two doses of Gonal-F instead.

But then he did the sonogram and saw what my ovaries were doing and said.....Actually do the Gonal-F tonight, the lurpon in the morning and then you should come back tomorrow and then we're probably going to be ready for retrieval on Monday. Holy cow! Monday!! I can't believe it. So I have an ultrasound again tomorrow and we're probably doing retrieval on Monday....woohoo!!

I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I really want to stay focused on the Lord throughout this whole process. He is the one who holds our lives in his hands. We will have a family when His timing is right. I think it is easy to lose focus or to focus on the wrong things. I don't want to put my hope in medicine or my doctor. I want to put my hope in Jesus.

My secret is out....

2007-09-14T08:53:00.001-07:00

So I guess it is a little obvious that I show up to work an hour late three days in a row....especially since I have a bruise on one arm from the Wednesday blood draw and today I forgot to take my bandaid off before coming in......So, I'm back in my office working away and one of the office ladies pops in and says, "So, are you trying to get pregnant?"

What is an infertile to do? I can't lie. I just have to admit it. "Yes, but it isn't working so great which is why I'm going to the doctor so much." This statement is followed by an explanation of how she too had problems for 2 years, never went to the doctor and then got pregnant. Congratulations!! That's so great....but it doesn't help me. I told her that we've tried many things including excessive amounts of alcohol, avoiding alcohol all together, 3 great relaxing vacations as well as numerous tests, drugs and procedures. Now we're doing IVF.

My secret is out. My family, our church and now the people I work with know.....
I'm okay with the family and church part but I'm frustrated with the work part. I don't want people at my work to know if we get PG. My original plan (when all this trying to conceive started) was to wait to tell work until it was obvious. So much for that!! Speaking of work, I'd better get back to it!!

Where is said water??

2007-09-12T20:04:00.001-07:00

Last weekend we were hanging out with some friends from college and it came up that one couple was about to have a baby. Someone commented that lots of people seemed to be getting pregnant lately and it must be in the water. It took every ounce of self control to not say, "Where can I get this alleged baby making water?"

It seems way easier to drink some water than to give yourself three shots each day. Surely this water is covered by my insurance since it has to be cheaper than the liquid gold filling my Gonal-F pen, right?

Another day on this journey.....

2007-09-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

This morning I had another appointment with Dr. K. Well, actually it was just with the blood draw girl. There is a technical term for her job that starts with a ph and is fun to say....but I can't remember how to spell it.
Anyway, when I walked in there was a couple waiting. I recognized them from our IVF seminar a few weeks ago. They rode the elevator in the parking garage with us. The levels of the parking garage at the hospital are labeled with different Texas animals to help you remember where you parked. When we got on the elevator I asked JW "What level were we on?" He replied, "6. The jackrabbit level."
So I wonder if this couple thought "Oh look. It's the girl who parked on the jackrabbit level."
Anyway, elevator girl (who's name is Eden....isn't that cool?) and her husband both went back when the nurse called....I thought that was nice.

My stomach is bruised and red. I chose my skirt for work today based on what I thought would not push in on my tummy too much. And one of the secretaries at work today got all excited because she assumed that I was missing all this work because I'm pregnant.....well, not yet I told her.

This morning I found out that I'm dumb....

2007-09-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment at Dr. K's today. My official appointment time was at 8:30am. I know that I can go in earlier if I want to but I just couldn't pull myself out of bed. Then there was a wreck on the highway. I stroll into the office at 8:40 and ALL of the chairs in the waiting room are filled. ALL being all 9 chairs but still. So I wait. I finally get called back at 9:20am....quick stick...blood work done and I'm headed to work.
But wait, Nurse Jennifer can I ask you a quick question about my meds??

And I find out that I've done the Repronex wrong 3 times now. Ughh!! Basically when the medical assistant did my med teach she told me to switch one of the numbers on the sheet to 1/2 cc....but left the other number at 1 1/2 ccs. So I've been drawing 1 1/2 ccs of liquid out of vial one.....adding it to vial 2.....and then only drawing 1/2 cc back out. It didn't make sense so I asked if there should be medicine left in the pink vial and of course there shouldn't be. I'm so dumb. I guess we'll see how the numbers go with the blood work.

The waiting room at Dr. K's is so interesting to me. It is small and NOBODY talks. They have magazines but I go to the RE so frequently that the magazines are never new. One lady today had a gigantic bag filled with magazines and what looked like a small cooler. She was obviously prepared for the wait. I wanted to ask to borrow one of her magazines but I thought that might be weird.
Anyway, today two ladies had their husbands with them but when the nurse called their names the husbands didn't go back. Isn't that weird? I mean, why is your husband here at the doctor with you?? Just to sit in the waiting room? JW comes with me sometimes. He comes on IUI days and he came for the hysteroscopy because I needed a ride home and he came last week because we had questions for Dr. K....but he comes back into the little room. I know it isn't the most comfortable thing for him but it seems silly for him to just sit outside a wait. Maybe these guys get queasy really easy.....but if you can't see your wife in the stirrups now what are they going to do on their baby's birthday???

Holy Bruise, Batman!

2007-09-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

Wow! I don't know what I did yesterday morning with that repronex shot but I have a huge bruise and it hurts!! The difficult thing is I can't give myself shots on that side of my belly button now because I can't pinch up the skin because of the bruise.

This morning's repronex went much better.....and I made JW take me out to breakfast at my favorite little breakfast place.

I did tote my Gonal-F to the Baylor game last night. I did the shot in the backseat of my brother in law's car while we were leaving the stadium. I was kind of nervous about it but I don't think anyone even noticed that I gave myself a shot....I'm just that smooth (at least with the pen....not so much with the repronex).

Update on our friends: All three of our friends' embryos survived the thaw and were transferred on Thursday afternoon. We're keeping our fingers and toes crossed for them to stick!

Working for the weekend....

2007-09-05T10:50:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm at work (which means I probably shouldn't be blogging). I love my job but it is pretty self directed and no one really checks in on me. So, I pretty much work at my own pace....or look at the internet for half the day and work really fast the rest of the day.

Anyway, just a quick update. We went to see Dr. K yesterday for our baseline appointment. Everything looked good. We had come up with several questions after the embryology class and we got all those answered. I decreased my Lupron to 5cc...which seems like an almost pointless amount and now we're just counting the days until stims start.

We are going to a football game this Saturday night so I'll be carrying my stims and probably injecting at the stadium or in the car.....either way it should be an adventure. One thing I do like about the shots is the reaction people have when they hear that you give yourself shots. It makes me feel so tough. Although I wasn't so tough this morning when I flinched and didn't stick the needle in right away....that is the worst!!

My good friend, T$, is headed back to Virigina today with her husband for their snowbabies. Keep your fingers crossed that all three little embryos survive the great thaw and at least one sticks. T$ is my inspiration....if she can survive the progestrone shots so can I!!!

People make this look so easy....

2007-09-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

I just feel jealous. I've been reading friends' blogs. I see their cute kids and their precious babies and I'm just jealous. So many of my friends seem to have gotten pregnant rather easily and are now holding their babies....while we still wait. There are several friends who have announced their pregnancies and I've thought "I'll be pregnant soon too. How fun to be pregnant together?!?!" Some of those babies are almost a year old.

And eventhough we've started this whole IVF process I'm still jealous about the easiness of achieving pregnancy for some people. Tonight is one of those nights when I just want to shout "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" It's not fair that I have to give myself shots and go to the doctor a million times. It's not fair that we can't just do this on our own in the privacy of our own home or at a nice hotel on a vacation. It's not fair to have to deal with side effects from all this crazy medication. It's not fair that we can't be surprised by a pregnancy test but will instead anxiously count the days and wait for a phone call that hasn't been positive once. It's not fair that we have to try to summon hope in the face of months of disappointment. It is not fair that we've been on this road for 24 months and counting. It's just not fair!!

Now that I've thrown my temper tantrum. I also know that life isn't fair. I know that I really wouldn't want what I really deserve or what is really fair. I know that I am blessed and that God is working his purposes for good.

But just for tonight I wish it was easy. I wish it was easy.

Best thing about today....

2007-08-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today overall was a pretty good day. Work was low key. My shoes were comfortable all day. :) The temperature in my office was nice. :) and I actually got some work done.

After work I rushed home so JW and I could go to our "IVF seminar." The embryologist did a nice little power point presentation about how IVF works, what the lab is like, step by step through all the procedures and information about what the different "grades" means for embryos. The nurse went over all the do's and don't's for the the egg retrieval and transfer days. A lot of it was review for me because I have a degree in reproductive endrocrinology from the Google School of Medicine.....but I think JW found it very informative.

Then we went out to eat at Maccaroni Grill. I had the chicken scallopine and it was great!! Now we're home and just kind of hanging out. I get to wear jeans to work on tomorrow and there will be a dessert for one of the secretaries birthday's. Woohoo!

But THE BEST THING ABOUT TODAY IS.......

NO BIRTH CONTROL PILL TONIGHT!!! WOOHOO!!

I'm so glad to be done with the birth control phase of IVF. I'm hoping that my chest will shrink and I'll be able to fit into my bras for at least a few weeks.....we'll see what happens. The birth control pill was the part of IVF I was most worried about since my body responds weirdly and by weirdly I mean that my breasts grow. When I'm busting out of the DD bra I get a little nervous.

Now I feel like we're really moving forward....we're done with the BCP, we've had our mock transfer/hysterocopy, we went to out meeting. I know time is going to fly between now and retrieval and I'm predicting that it is going to crawl between transfer and beta.

****UPDATE: Today I ate lunch with the co-worker I wrote about earlier this week and some other ladies who work in the office. The conversation turned to kids and she mentioned that it took her almost three years to get pregnant the first time. This made me feel a little bad about writing about her on my blog. Then she went on to say that they got pregnant "like the day we started trying" for the second one......which made me feel less bad that I wrote about her on my blog. Her comments still irk me but I'll practice extending grace since she too knows that getting pregnant is not as easy as they made them sound in high school health.

Are you barren???

2007-08-29T19:17:00.001-07:00

The youth group at our church is learning about the book of Genesis right now. We started at the beginning (literally) and have been reading and discussing it in our small groups. My small group consists of 9th and 10th grade girls. Tonight we got to chapter 11 where the Bible mentions Abram and his wife, Sarai, who is barren. We started to talk about what the word "barren" means. I was trying to emphasize that it meant she was unable to have children even though she was old enough to have kids, was married and wanted to have kids. And then here's what happens:

Jessica: So, like, I'm not barren because I am too young and don't want to have kids yet.
Me: Right. You are probably able to have kids but don't yet because you are unmarried and inschool.
Girls: smirks and giggles as they think about what it takes to make a baby and how they shouldn't be doing that at 15
Me: But Sarai is older, she's married and she's ready to have kids but can't.
Mariah: Are you barren?
I'm not sure what expression came across my face at this point but Mariah's next sentence was:
"Is it wrong to ask that?"

Seriously this is what came out of her mouth. I was totally caught off guard. I haven't discussed our situation with the girls from youth....I'm not sure how to explain infertility or what we're going through to them. I'm also not sure how having a baby will affect the time I spend with them and I'm not really ready to answer questions like "Are you still going to hang out with us if you have a baby?"

But back to the story. This gets me to thinking....Am I barren? Miriam Webster's online dictionary defines barren as:

1 : not reproducing: as a : incapable of producing offspring -- used especially of females or matings b : not yet or not recently pregnant c : habitually failing to fruit
2 : not productive: as a : producing little or no vegetation :

I'll be honest. The "incapable of producing offspring" part cuts like a knife. But I think I'm going to focus on the part that I made bold....the "Not YET pregnant" part.

I have identified with the women in the Bible who long for children--Sarai, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth. I've read their stories countless times but I don't think I've ever used the word "barren" to describe myself before.
The part that gives me hope is that I've read ahead of the girls so I know that eventually the Lord will change Sarai's name to Sarah and she will give birth to Isaac. I also know that Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth all have sons later on. Obviously I can't read ahead in my own story but I'm hoping for the same blessing.

And as far as the girls are concerned I'm not quite sure how I responded...everything seems blurry after the "Are you barren?" part. I know that I didn't say "Yes" and for that I'm a little ashamed. I'm not just ashamed of being barren (which is a whole other post entirely) but I'm ashamed that I wasn't totally honest with my girls. Girls who are often brutally honest with me about their own lives.

Thanks so much!!

2007-08-28T11:13:00.001-07:00

Thanks for y'all's sweet and encouraging comments about my last post. Next time I hear the "well, now that I'm a mom...." line I will think about all my sweet internet friends and all your support.
I will probably also envision myself punching her as my sister suggested....HA!

I'll try to update more later....my life has become hectic since school started!!

I know this is stupid....

2007-08-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know before I write this post that what I'm about to say is kind of stupid....but I have to get it off of my chest so I can function.

One of my co-workers is driving me insane. She often makes comments along the lines of "Well, since I became a mom...." or "I'm a mom so...." For example, last year there was a bad thunderstorm headed our way that potentially contained hail. I mentioned how I hate it when it hails while I'm at school because I just think about how if I was home then my car would be parked safely in our garage. She replied with, "That's how we're so different. I'm a mom so I'm just worried about my mother-in-law going to pick up my daughter during a storm."

Now that example is from last spring but she seems to repeatedly make these types of comments that seem to have the underlying implication that I'm shallow and self absorbed because I don't have kids to worry about.
Honestly it just stings because everytime she makes a comment about being a mom I want to say, "Well, I'm trying to be a mom but it isn't really working out!!!"

I know this is dumb because I know that she doesn't really mean to be hurting my feelings by mentioning how she's a mom all the time. She does probably mean to imply that I'm shallow but whatever!!! I should probably just try to avoid her but that will be difficult since her office is acrossthe ahll from mine.

On an IVF note, I start Lupron tomorrow morning!!

A pedicure, an appointment and the first day of school...

2007-08-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

This morning I treated myself to a manicure and pedicure. It was great to sit in the massaging chair and relax. My toes and hands look great.

Then I had an appointment at Dr. K's office. I wonder if he noticed how good my feet looked in the stirrups.....JW came with me because I was having a hysteroscopy and then we were going to learn about all of our meds. (I'm still working on the picture.) Anyway, as they begin the procedure Dr. K tells JW that JW can stand up if he can't see the screen. JW said he was okay sitting and not seeing. So, Dr. K took a look and told me that my uterus looked "perfect" although in my opinion it was pretty gross looking. Of course I look away during most of the surgery scenes on Grey's though. I was really nervous about the hysteroscopy for some reason but I think the anticipation was worse than the procedure itself.

The weird thing about the appointment today was that there was different music playing in the office. Usually there is just instrumental music but today there was modern Christian music playing. It was kind of weird and unexpected since my RE is Jewish. Anyway, as we were waiting for the hysteroscopy my favorite Third Day song came on. I posted about the song a while back. Here is a link to that post: http://dancingwithinfertility.blogspot.com/2007/05/going-through-valley.html
(I can't remember how to make the link imbedded in a word) This helped me calm down a lot about the procedure. This song and laughing with my husband beforehand.

Then we met with the medical assistant and she went over all the medications I'll be injecting over the next few weeks. When we walked out of the office JW says, "I didn't understand why she was telling me everything at first and then I realized that I'd have to give you the shots." Priceless. In all the discussion about IVF I'm not sure how he missed that part!!

I also learned that I only have to do the progesterone in oil (PIO) shots until we get a positive beta and then I can switch to prometrium. I was so excited because sometimes the shots have to be continued for weeks and I was not looking forward to that.

Tomorrow is the first day of back for teachers. It is weird this year to be getting more prepared for tomorrow than for the actual first day with kids. Working in the office means that I'm making at least 3 presentations during inservice week and facilitating some small group meetings. Tomorrow is my big day. The Monday that the kids show up will be almost relaxing because I'll get to be in my office working.

So tonight I have to pick out a cute outfit to wear tomorrow....something that will go with open toe shoes so I can show off my pedicure.

10 year reunion....

2007-08-17T11:39:00.001-07:00

In high school one of my favorite teachers was pregnant and lamented how she was going to be REALLY big and pregnant at her high school reunion. This stuck in my head and has been floating around in there for years along with the thought of "I don't want to be pregnant at my high school reunion." And once trying to have a baby became a reality it never occurred to me that we'd still be trying at this point.

Of course after struggling with infertility I could care less whether I'm pregnant or not at the 10 year. I am suppose to be on the committee to plan the 10 year reunion. Secretly (and not so secretly) I could care less. I don't really care where it is or what the name tags are like. I just don't want to pay TONS of money to talk to people that I didn't care to keep in touch with over the last 10 years. I've been trying to come up with a way to get off of the committee but haven't been struck by any bolts of genius in that regard. I know that I could technically just say, "No" but that isn't a word that comes out of my mouth easily.

Now, here's the ironic thing.....they finally set a date for the reunion and emailed me about it today....if this IVF works I will be 39 1/2 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling that I won't even be attending the reunion at that point.....so now I'm kind of looking forward to IVF working becasue not only will I be pregnant (woohoo!!) but I'll also have an excuse to ditch all the planning stuff...which is a nice bonus.

I'm not terribly sad about this possibility of missing the reunion altogether since two of my good friends are getting married in Feb 2008 and March 2008 so I know I will see all the people I still talk to at those weddings. And yes, I still talk to people from high school. In fact, these two weddings both feature grooms that I met in the 6th grade!

Oh and on an IVF note, I got the HUGE box of medicine today. I took pics....which I'll post later!

One Year Blogiversary!!!!

2007-08-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today is the one year mark from when I started this blog. A year ago we were just about to start clomid. I honestly didn't think we'd be dancing with infertility very long. I figured that we were young, JW's numbers were good, nothing seemed to be wrong with me.....I figured we take a little clomid and make some babies.

Here we are a year later and starting on the journey toward IVF. What a difference a year makes.

It has been a long road. The journey has been tough....emotionally and physically. And although I'm longing for a baby even more now than I was a year ago I can't say that the journey has been all bad. We have learned a lot along the way. JW and I have grown closer together and closer to the Lord. I have learned so many things about my husband that I wouldn't have known if we'd gotten pregnant on our own. I've also learned so many things about God too. He is good....even when my arms ache to hold my baby and my eyes are swollen from all the crying and my heart hurts beyond belief....He is good. He is faithful.

I'm also so excited about all the women I've "met" on this path toward parenthood. I have drawn so much encouragement from reading your blogs. Thank you for encouraging me. I am also 100 times more informed about what exactly the reproductive system does and how exactly an RE manipulates it than I was a year ago. Thank you for educating me. Thanks for being my internet friends. I wish we could all go out to dinner.....and not talk about infertility at all.

I also want to say a special thank you to my sister. I'm pretty sure that she is one of the only people who reads my blog and knows me in "real life." Chris, I love you and you have been such a source of strength for me through this journey. Your own journey to build a family through adoption has amazed me. I'm so thankful that the Lord blessed me with a sister who is such a close friend. I'm excited about the possibility of our kids being so close in age.....Cousins who aren't 5-25 years apart in age?? Can you imagine all the fun they will have??

As good as this has been I honestly hope that this blog eventually closes because I've moved on to a mommy blog. But until then I'll keep blogging away. Dance on!!

Good thing I got that Google School of Medicine Degree

2007-08-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was skimming through a book about IVF. It was given to me by a friend and is very informative...although I already know most of the info from the internet.
Anyway, I noticed something in the Stage #1 of IVF chapter that mentioned a hysteroscopy and mock transfer. We had discussed doing IVF back in June but it was cancelled because of our insurance but I did recall that the nurse at the time initially scheduled a hysteroscopy. The current nurse hadn't said anything about this during our phone conversations. So, I called and left a message that went something like this:

"I was wondering if I needed to schedule a hysteroscopy at some point. Also, I have to use F.reedom Drug and my insurance company likes to fill Gonal-F not Follistim. Call me!"

So she called back today to say that oh yes I definitely needed a hysteroscopy and to call the scheduler and set it up. So I call the scheduler and she told me that I had to do it before CD 10....which is Friday!! This is very frustrating to me because I've been off of work all last week and Monday and Tuesday of this week but I have a workshop to go to Wednesday and Thursday.....plus I'm a little frustrated that I had to be the one to call and suggest this procedure. I set up the hysteroscopy for Thursday at noon.

Later the nurse called me back and said "Oh, it doesn't have to be done by CD 10. Monday will be fine." I mentioned the F.reedom Drug and Gonal-F business again and she seemed confused again. I have this sinking feeling that they are going to call it into the wrong place again and then act put out when I call to correct it......but maybe they'll prove me wrong.

A running theme throughout this process seems to be that as a patient you have to be an advocate for yourself. I just wish that doctor's offices would be on the ball enough so that I didn't feel like I had to be my own advocate quite so much.
I wonder what would have become of me without my internet resources. We would probably just be having sex and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.

Good thing I got that degree from the Google School of Medicine!!

The burden of my heart...

2007-08-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

In the past week I feel like a lot of people around me are hearing the word "No" or the word "Wait" from the Lord. We heard it when our IUI didn't work and if you're reading this and you heard it then you know who you are.

I read a story on another blog that I wanted to share here. It is the story about a mother and her oldest son. The boy tells her that "when I ask for something you say no half the time." And in the moment she replied, "Well then you should be thankful for the half of the time that I say Yes."
After a blow up later in the day she is apologizing and comforting her son and she tells him:

“I love you even more than you have the capacity to realize at your age. I want you to know that I will say “yes” to you whenever I can, but sometimes I have to say, “no.” There are times when I will be able to give you a good reason for the no, but sometimes I don’t have a reason that you will understand or even like. You’ll just have to trust me.”

And isn't that exactly what our Father would say to us. The Lord loves us more than we have the capacity to realize. He sent his only Son to die for us. The Lord sometimes says "yes" and sometimes says "no." And we don't always understand or even like the "no's" but we must trust that the Lord knows what is best for us because He is our Father and loves us.

So, I will say “Yes, Lord, I will trust you in the no’s. I will remember that you love me and I will recall all of your yes’s.”

The Lord will accomplish what concerns me. Psalm 138: 8.

If you want to check out more from this mom, their family blog is http://paulsaxon.com/ She has several things she has written on the side bar under "Leigh's thoughts" that are blow you away inspirations. Actually, the entire blog is a chronicle of this family's amazing journey to walk by faith and put their hope in nothing but Jesus Christ as their middle son battles cancer.

CD 1 again....

2007-08-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. Today is cycle day 1 of cycle 24 in this journey. I start the birth control pill on Saturday. Have I discussed how ironic it is that I never took the pill to prevent pregnancy but now I'm taking it to try to get pregnant? The pill is actually the part about IVF that freaks me out.
I took birth control for maybe three months before we were married. It increased my bra size by two cups. Now, normally a woman might be excited about an increase in bra size but when the lady at the speciality bra shop where I buy bras told me that she thought I really needed an F but maybe could squeeze into an E I knew I was in trouble. A 28 F?? What a ridiculous bra size!! My mom started to freak out that I wasn't going to be able to fit into my wedding dress which had already been ordered so I stopped taking the pill and have been pill free ever since.
But I'm scared that this might make my chest grow again....and I totally don't want to deal with that.
Perhaps the fact that the pill is freakest part of IVF to me is a sign that I don't really know what I'm in for. I've read everything online about IVF...my RE's website; stirrup queen's summary, random other articles, etc. They all pretty much say the same thing so I'm just ready to meet with my doctor next week to discuss exactly what we need to do.

Moving on up....

2007-08-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

We got the call this afternoon that our beta was negative. IUI #3 with injectibles was a bust and we're moving on to IVF. Weirdly I'm totally okay. I'm disappointed but excited and ready to move on to IVF.
So now we're just waiting on Aunt Flo to arrive so I can start the birth control pill and we'll be on our way.....The nurse told me a ton of stuff when she called but it is all kind of a blur....I know step one is to call when my period starts and step two is to take the pill. I'll figure out the details and ask questions on that first call I guess.

I know that 6 months ago I never imagined that we'd be doing IVF because I didn't know our insurance covered it and we certainly couldn't afford it out of pocket.....but they do cover it and here we go!! Once AF arrives this will be the 24th cycle of trying to conceive....2 years down....hopefully not long to go!

Sometimes I wonder if IUI is a big waste of time.

2007-08-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

I have concerns about the whole IUI procedure. I understand the point of it all but....if you abstain for a few days before the IUI then you might miss the beginning of the "fertile window." In our case JW has either been out of town the days following the IUI or I've been so sick or uncomfortable because of a cyst that "exposure" after the IUI wasn't even a possibility. So basically we have cycles were the one IUI is our only chance. For this reason I'm not that shocked that the first 4 IUIs haven't worked and I'm not to optimistic about this one. Of course with IUI you have about a 20% chance of conceiving and this is our fifth one....so statistically it should happen, right??? Ah, if it only worked that way.

On a side note, I have been going around and around with Dr. K's office about the first visit we ever had with them. They billed it to our insurance as "routine" and the insurance said, "RE consults, pelvic exams and ultrasounds are not routine--DENIED." So since then EVERY time I go to the RE the receptionist tells me "You have a balance on your account." And EVERY time I explain that it has to be resubmitted to our insurance and that I've left countless messages for the insurance girl at the office. Finally, I spoke to the insurance girl and she told me that I needed to contact the other office and talk to the billing coordinator there because she didn't know if she would remember to call her....wait a second, isn't that your job?? Oh well, we have already discussed that Dr. K needs to put me on the payroll HERE
So today I received yet another bill but upon discussion with the insurance found that they had paid it and Dr. K's office should be getting the money today....Woohoo!! I'm so excited that the next time I go I won't have to hear "You have a balance on your account."

Now all I need to do is sort out why in the world the ARTs clinic build JW's semen analysis and prep for IUI as "routine" as well.

Saturday Night at the local Kwik-E-Mart

2007-08-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

So what do you do for fun on the weekends? This past weekend we went to dinner with my sister and her husband than we cruised the local Kwik-E-Mart. We had so much fun and yes, we took pictures in a 7-11....don't judge. Anyway, here are a few of the pics. There are more posted on the other blog.

Maybe I should've paid more attention in Computer Science

2007-07-31T18:21:00.000-07:00

My freshman year in college I took a computer science course. We learned how to program in C++. It was probably the hardest class I took in college for three reasons:
1) I had NO experience in programming.
2) The class was taught on macs and the computers in the computer science lab were all macs and I had never used a mac before.....I love them now but at the time it was so confusing.
3)The professor would lecture in class and then expect you to just go out and program.
4)Programming in general is very frustrating because it is like learning another language and after you've written line upon line of code your program won't run because you left out a comma in line 37 or have an extra space in line 52.
5) I was an education major and most of the other classes were pretty easy.

Anyway, as I'm trying to update the template in blogger tonight I'm thinking that I probably should've paid more attention. It took me forever to figure out how to add "We're all in this together" and get 7 blogs linked there. I have more to add but I'm going to go watch Big Brother now.

On a side note: I made a B+ in computer science because there was a cute boy who helped me.

I like to share....but not with boys.

2007-07-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I realized something about myself. I have no problem sharing the details of infertility with friends and strangers alike....but only in small group settings and mainly with girls. Last week I had lunch with two of my friends from college. One of the college friends invited her other friend who I've never met. Despite the fact that I'd known the girl all of 45 minutes I had no problem sharing the story of our journey thus far.
On the other hand, we had our small group from church at our house last night. People were giving updates on their lives and prayer requests--jobs, engagements, babies, housing, whether or not to move overseas, etc. Despite the fact that all the people in this group know about our problems--some in great detail, others vaguely--I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. Maybe it was because it was a mixed gender group and I really don't feel comfortable with my husband's friends and my friend's husbands thinking about my uterus. Maybe it is because I know that these types of conversations about other uteruses (uterui? what is the plural?) make JW uncomfortable.
We are sharing life with this group. I covet their prayers for us....but at the same time I would rather just explain it to the girls. Men do not want to hear about wombs and ovaries.....let's face it even most women don't.

Sushi and good friends.

2007-07-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to eat sushi with our good friends, T & N. They had never had sushi before so it was exciting to see them trying different stuff and finding things they loved. The sushi place is less than 5 minutes from their house and I think they might be regulars after this!!

It was also a good night because they told us about their plans to do a FET in a few weeks. T has already started her medications and they are looking at the beginning of September for their transfer. I'm so excited. It made me happy to see that infertility had knocked them down but not out.

What the journey has cost...but I'm not talking about money.

2007-07-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

Someday I will sit down and calculate how much money we spent on our infertility journey...but today is not that day.

Today I was thinking about the other things that it has "cost". Here is my list:

1) My skin. I'm sorry I'm vain. I have adult acne. I stopped using all the good medication two years ago because we were trying to have a baby and they can cause birth defects. However, the clearisil isn't really cutting it....especially with all these meds.

2) Alertness. I'll be honest that I was drinking too much caffeine before. I was easily drinking 64 oz of soda before I got home from work at 4:30pm and then I'd drink coke at dinner and throughout the evening. It was kind of disgusting when I think about it...but now I'm more or less caffeine free. I'm sure that it is better for my health but there are some afternoons when I'm dragging and just want a big vanilla Dr. Pepper from Dairy Twin. Yes, you read that correctly--Dairy Twin. It is located next to the Dairy Queen in the town where I work and they have this ice that is amazing. It is better than Sonic.....and I don't say that lightly.
3) Hot tub time. We have a hot tub in our beautiful backyard courtesy of the previous owners. It is great.....but we never use it because I'm always afraid during the 2ww and of course because I don't want JW in there because it might affect his counts. This isn't a huge loss right now though because it is summer and too hot to sit in 100+ degree water anyway. I think it is kind of ironic because once we finally have a kid I'll probably be too tired to enjoy it much then either.

4) Sanity....which comes and goes throughout the month.

I'm sure I could think of more but I need to go run errands.

I've also gained so much through this journey.....ah, but that is for a different post, my friends.

Teaching...it's what I do.

2007-07-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I had lunch with two of my really good friends from college. It was so fun to hang out and catch up. They only live about an hour and a half away but life just gets so busy and we don't see each other often enough.

Anyway, Jessica and Sharee were some of the first people to know that we were trying. I told them ages ago that we'd probably have kids as soon as JW was done with school. Two years ago in September I saw Sharee and she jokingly asked, "Are you pregnant yet?" We'd only been trying for a month at that point so I just laughed and said "Not yet but I'm doing my best." Of course it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it is two years later and we still don't have kids so something must be up. I don't mind sharing the details and so I told them where we were at. I told them about how we'd done 6 months of clomid. I told them how we'd done three months of injectibles with IUI. I had to explain what IUI was which was kind of weird because all of our husbands are friends too. I was basically giving a little lesson on how the female body works, what all the drugs do, etc.
When I was talking about giving myself shots they seemed shocked that I have to give them to myself in the stomach. I'm not really sure why the stomach was more frightening than the thigh, arm or butt but they seemed pretty disturbed. It might have also been the matter of fact way I stated that you just pinch up the fat roll and poke it in. I did tell them the needles were small.....because the Gonal-F pen needle is pretty small.

So I'm suppose to be off this summer and taking a break from teaching but I'm still teaching....just a different subject and different students.

He's almost here....

2007-07-25T20:06:00.001-07:00

My friend Kristi is an infertility success story. She did three cycles of IUI with injectables and now her little boy is due next week. Today she posted on her blog about her last doctor's appointment before the big day. Her OB/GYN and her RE are all in the same building so she was writing about how she has driven up to that building with so many different emotions in the last year.

Anyway, here is a little bit of what she wrote:
I got the phone call from my new doctor telling me that it would be really difficult for me to get pregnant. After many tears and several weeks of denial, I finally called her back to see what the next step would be. And what do you know....they had a doctor on another floor who deals with infertility and could help us out. So I began going back to that same building, now not feeling as hopeful, and also a little ashamed at how difficult this would be for me (why am I not normal?), and a bit like a fool for thinking having a baby would come so easily (hello, high school students getting pregnant on prom night!!), and we began the long process of fertility treatments. I visited that building every other day during the three cycles we tried.....and those visits always brought the roller coaster of feelings.....hopefulness as we began and went through a new cycle, then feelings of despair when it didn't work, and then another glimmer of hope as we began a new cycle, and so on. I began to despise visiting this building!

Finally, on one visit last November, I got the overwhelming news that I was indeed pregnant! I liked this building again!! Nothing can top the elation Matt and I felt that day when we found out that all we had been through had paid off!

And now her little boy is about to be born. Stories like Kristi's give me hope. They are such a great example of the Lord's blessing and provision. I can't wait to meet their little boy!!!!