Thursday, November 15, 2007

I don't think I'll ever stop feeling infertile....

I don't think I'll ever stop feeling infertile. I know I'm pregnant now. I often feel pregnant because I'm nauseous and my pants don't fit. I've seen the medical evidence that I'm pregnant too although I never peed on a stick. It seemed silly to spend money on a test after the blood test proved I was PG.....

Anyway, I still feel infertile though. Maybe infertilily will eventually become just a footnote in our lives but right now it is still a big part of it. People often congratulate me on being pregnant and ask if we're hoping for a boy or a usual response is that "Well, it was such a journey to get this far that we don't really care and we're thinking about not finding out the gender anyway." This is a weird switch for me because I was sort of private about all of our struggles but now that the Gummy Bear is growing I feel like I want people to know this didn't come easy.

Last night I went to the hospital to see a friend of mine who just had a baby. This is my sweet friend who pulled me aside privately to tell me they were pregnant before she told our entire church small group because she knew I might need some time to process. They tried for over a year but finally got pregnant without medical assistance. I've been excited for her the entire pregnancy. So, I went to the hospital where I'll be delivering and held their sweet little baby. When I left I almost started crying in the parking lot because I still can't really grasp that I'll actually be a mommy in 7 months.

It didn't really make any sense. Maybe it's these hormones....I always laugh when stuff gets blamed on the pregnancy hormones....because I felt much more hormonal while popping pills and injecting myself in the stomach with drugs. That was some craziness. Just ask JW. He's so happy to have his "almost normal" wife back.....I'm not totally myself yet but it is better than with all those IVF drugs.


Blogger Diana said...

I still get strange random thoughts, like, do I have extra tampons in my purse? I still don't believe I am pregnant half the time. I am right there with you. Maybe when our little ones start kicking us in the ribs we'll believe it. I also think we will always feel infertile though. When I have told people I have brought up the IVF in most conversations. I think it helps make it real for me.

10:37 AM  
Blogger gracechild said...

yeah i guess IF does that to you. Creeps in and permates a good chunk of your life. As my BF calls it, the open wound. Hope you get over this state & start feeling gloriously & beautifully pregnant soon. :)

12:45 PM  

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