Monday, June 01, 2009

I'm THAT girl....

I'm that girl. I'm your cousin's friend's co-worker. I'm your mom's neighbor's friend's daughter. I'm pregnant. I'm the girl who tried for two years, did IVF, had a baby and then got pregnant on their own unexpectedly.

I'm so excited about this pregnancy. I nearly screamed with joy at seeing my first ever positive pregnancy test. I'm overwhelmed at the idea of having two under two but I'm excited about this new little one. I also feel like I've totally betrayed the infertile community. I feel like a jerk.

I think 9 out of 10 people I've told about this pregnancy have made a comment like, "I hear that happens all the time" or "I know so many people that has happened for." One person even said, "I guess when you relax and your mind isn't on it, then it can just happen."
Please know that I have corrected ALL of these people (and I had to really resist the urge to punch the person who mentioned relaxing).

But I have become that girl. One of the stories that people will tell to try to encourage someone struggling with infertility. A story that won't encourage anyone in the midst of shots, procedures and home pregnancy tests. I apologize in advance to anyone who ever hears this story and wants to throw things or hit people because of it. (I've been there. I know.)

Friends, I think this is the last dance for dancing with infertility. It seems time to dim the lights, turn the music off and rest awhile.
I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this....but if you are, please know that this girl is still hoping and praying that each and every one of us out there in the infertile blogsphere is called Mommy someday.
It is hard to explain the encouragement and love I have felt from so many of you that I only know through your blogs. But thank you for everything.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What is a girl to do?? POAS!

My period arrived for the first time post baby in December. I marked my calendar. I counted my days. This isn't my first rodeo. And wouldn't you know it, I was late.

I had a hard time deciding what to think about being late. My periods weren't like clockwork until I got on clomid. It was totally normal to have 28 day cycles, 32 day cycles, 42 day cycles, etc. But the calendar said I was a week late. What is a girl to do???

Well, I had planned to wait it out. No need to test. I was pretty sure we hadn't had sex at any "peak" times. I'll just wait it out. But my period didn't come and didn't come and didn't come. The calendar kept inching farther from my expected start date and closer to my best friend's bachelorette party. What is a girl to do???

So I stopped by Target to grab a few more items for my bachelorette bag of honeymoon goodies and decided to pick up a pregnancy test. (I got the 2 pack.) Woke up early Friday morning and tested. I waited my 3 minutes and the test said NO. Of course I felt the strangest mixture of emotions. Part of me was so sad. I want to be able to get pregnant on my own. Another part of me was okay though because I don't think we're ready for baby #2 just yet.

Later that afternoon as I was throwing last minute items into my suitcase my period arrived. Nice.

So, no September baby for us....which is fine and slightly depressing at the same time.

I've been down the road of infertility before. Why do I still think I make the timelines and schedules? Why do I still think I'm in control? Why can't I let go and trust the Lord?

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Any 1st and 15th Siestas out there?

I frequently read the Living Proof Ministries blog written by Beth Moore and her two daughters, Amanda and Melissa. For 2009, LPM has challenged their readers with scripture memory. The plan is to pick out a new verse to memorize on the 1st and another one on the if you follow the plan you'll memorize 24 pieces of scripture this year. Since over 3000 people have posted that they will participate I was wondering if any of my blog friends were. If you are, then comment so we can encourage each other throughout this year. And I'd love to know what verses you are memorizing....

My verse for the first two weeks in January is Psalm 119:9-12
How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart that
I might not sin against you.
Praise be to you, O Lord,
teach me your decrees.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Best. Gift. Ever.

My thoughts and prayers are with those of you still waiting for your gift. May this be the last holiday season without your little one.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

6 months...

My baby boy is 6 months old today. Half a year has gone by since I first held this precious boy who encompasses so many of our hopes and dreams. He has the best laugh and the sweetest smile. He wakes up happy and that smile has almost converted me into a morning person.
People have asked me if I like being a mom. I always think this is a strange questions. Wouldn't it be disturbing if I said no?? I always say, "It is way better than I ever imagined and I imagined that it would be pretty awesome."

He fell asleep feeding the other night. I held him in my arms and just tried to soak in all his little features. I hope that when I die that if my life flashes before my eyes that I get to falsh back to some of these quiet sweet moments just holding my baby while he was small and sleeping.

God is so good. I am overwhelmed. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for our son. Help us to raise him to be a man who loves and worships you. Thank you for JW--a husband who has been with me every step on this journey to parenthood. And Lord, thank you for the journey. Without the trials I don't think we would fully know the joys. Thanks for having a plan for us. Thank you, Jesus, for being the path, the light on the path and the purpose of the journey.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008


This year I'm thankful. I'm thankful for...

....our new jobs. JW and I both took new jobs this year and they are both working out well. We like where we're working and both of us are being challenged professionally like never before.

....our new house. It is so much closer to my parents and my sister (about 20 minutes instead of an hour and 20 minutes). It has been great.

....finding a new church. We loved our old church and weren't sure if we'd find a new place when we moved. We found a place that is great though and we can't wait to build relationships there. niece's adoption was finally finalized. Our family has lived on the fine line between hope and despair for the past year waiting for this to happen. Finalization was a week before Thanksgiving.

....and of course I'm thankful for my little pilgrim. And how wonderful it is to be married to the man of my dreams.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Keeping our fingers crossed....

A good friend of mine found out she was pregnant recently. She's about 10 weeks along. I was so excited for her because it took 3 IUIs for them to conceive their first child and she had all sorts of hormonal issues. This baby was conceived without any medical assistance. It has really made me hope that we will have a similar story.....but of course I'm not sure if I'm ready to write that chapter just yet. I mean, Little Man is only 5 months old. No need to have 2 under 1 1/2.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

A parable on motherhood....

This is a short story by Temple Bailey that I read at my grandmother's funeral. My grandmother was very much like the woman in this story....she is more than a memory....

A Parable on Motherhood by Temple Bailey

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is the way long?" she asked. And her guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning." But the young mother was happy and she would not believe that anything could be better than those years. So she played with her children and gathered flowers for them along the way and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them and life was good, and the young mother cried, "Nothing will never be lovelier than this."

Then night came, and storm, and the path was dark and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle and the children said, "Oh Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come," and the mother said, "This is better than the brightness of day, for I have taught my children courage."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary, but at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed and when they reached the top, they said, "We could not have done it without you, Mother." And the mother, when she lay down that night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage, today I have given then strength."

And with the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil--and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said, "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an Everlasting Glory, and it guided them and brought them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said, "This is the best day of all for I have shown my children God."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old, and she was little and bent. And her children were tall and strong and walked with courage. And when the way was rough they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone and their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a Living Presence."

My Grandma Rita....

The weekend after labor day we took our little man to Iowa to visit my grandparents. My grandmother was in the hospital because of complications arising from lung cancer. My grandfather has alzheimer's. My grandmother was very frail and barely had the strength to feed herself. She lit up when she saw our baby though. He laid in the hospital bed beside her for a while and she loved every minute of it. My grandfather was so surprised by the baby but held him and cuddled him.

It was a priceless weekend. I'll forever be thankful that we went to visit when we did because my grandmother passed away on Sept 19th. We flew back to Iowa for the funeral. It was good to be around our family but it also didn't feel the same without her there. I had an amazing grandmother. Words can't really explain her. Her family and her faith were so important to her. And she passed that on to her children and grandchildren.

In the midst of all that Sept 22nd was the anniversary of our egg transfer. I look at the picture of those two precious embryos and I'm so thankful that a year later I'm cuddling a wiggly, giggly 14 lb baby boy. I said a special prayer that the Lord will protect our little frozen embryo until we're ready to expand our family.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

NO Exceptions...

So Noah has been at daycare for almost 2 full weeks. I say almost because the preschool was closed last Thursday and Friday for teacher inservice. Noah got to enjoy Thursday at home with his Daddy and spent Friday with his Aunt Ya-ya and cousin Ava.
Overall I like his daycare. They aren't perfect but if he can't stay home with me then I know this is the best place for him to be. I do have some issues with the main teacher in his class though.

Here's the story:
Each day Noah is sent home with a little form telling about his day. It details when he ate, slept and was changed. It's great. When I went to pick him up last Monday (8/18) across the top of the form his teacher had written a note and highlighted it with pink highlighter. It said:

Family & Me pictures due Wednesday AM
or NO poster for crib
NO excpetions!

And yes, the NOs were in all caps.

You see at Noah's school each baby has a poster in their crib with pictures of their families. They are really cute and it makes me happy to think that Noah could look at our faces during the day. When I dropped Noah's supplies off at the school the week before he started the director had mentioned bringing in the pictures. Honestly though with starting a new job and still getting settled in the house it wasn't really a priority. No one had mentioned anything since then.
So I read the note and as I'm driving home I start trying to think of how we are going to get family pictures together by Wednesday AM. I had left my camera at my sister's house the previous weekend. I was trying to run through my mind of what pictures were saved on the computers.
Then I started to get upset. Because I was SO stressed out about this silly poster. Part of me wanted to say:
"NO exceptions"?? Seriously. Noah has been at school a week. We'll be in that class for the next 11 months or so. Why do the pictures have to be in this week?
"NO exceptions?" Fine then! I'll make my own freaking poster.
"NO exceptions?" Wait a second. Don't I pay for Noah to go to this school??

Things were busy so I waited until Tuesday to try to get the pictures together. I saved a bunch of photos to my pen drive and tried to go print them out at CVS. The CVS near us is a 24 hour CVS. We arrived at 10:05pm....and the photo lab closed at 10pm!! ARGGHH!! So instead we bought some photo paper and came home to print out some pictures. We printed 3 and then ran out of ink.
So here we are at 11pm opening box after box in the guest room trying to find the photo albums and then leafing through the photo albums to find good pictures of all the grandparents, aunt and uncles and of course the parents.
I kept getting so mad at the daycare center because it is ridiculous that we were so stressed out about this silly poster. But of course I can't let my baby be the only baby in the class without pictures of his family.
In the end Josh and I had to laugh because we knew that someday we'd be more stressed about a school project than Noah was....we just didn't know it would happen at 11 weeks.