Good bye, Clomid!!

I think I've taken my last clomid pill!! I'm so excited. This should be our last IUI with clomid and injectibles and if it doesn't work then we are moving on to IVF....which means new drugs but no more clomid!
This was my 9th cycle to use clomid (not 9 in a row though). Anyway, the interesting thing to me about clomid was that my side effects were a little different every time I took it. Hot flashes, moodiness, nausea and headaches were the most notable although they didn't happen every month.
So now I'm down to just a few more shots of Gonal-F and one big ovidrel shot. Knowing that this is our last IUI has made this cycle seem very final and huge. I'm excited about IVF and the possibility of it working but it seems to be a huge step. I think sometimes because I have unexplained infertility that I'm in denial of the fact that something is wrong with us. Having to go all the way to IVF seems to just confirm it though.
But we'll cross those bridges when we get there. For now I'm going to celebrate not having to take anymore clomid and that IUIs have about a 20% chance of working....which is one out of 5....and this is IUI #5......so there's always a chance!!

Not again.... (Updated)

Last night when I was getting ready for bed I noticed that my stomach was really uncomfortable. I wouldn't call it a pain....just discomfort. Sort of like a menstrual cramp (although I don't really get those). It was uncomfortable enough that I took 2 extra strength tylenol and went to sleep.

I woke up this morning with the same feeling. I'm thinking the cysts are back. I could get out of bed and walk around which I could barely do last time. I decided to call my RE.....he's out of the country so they referred me to their Dallas office about an hour away. So, I'm off to get checked out by the Dallas RE. JW is out of town on business so my mom is going to meet me over there.

I feel like a baby. I feel like they are going to take a look and say "This isn't really a big deal." I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.....but I also feel that something is not right with me and after our experience a few months ago that kind of freaks me out.

UPDATE: Well, the Dallas RE basically said it wasn't a big deal. He thought my ovaries looked fine on the ultrasound. There was some fluid but he says that is to be expected. The doctor and the sonographer both seemed pretty sure that it looked like I ovulate.
The doctor did mention that I should probably stop doing IUIs and move on to IVF.....it is now official that EVERYONE except our insurance company recognizes this.
Anyway, I went shopping with my mom afterwards and then drove home....I'm still really uncomfortable but I guess I just have to wait it out.

School's Out for Summer!!! (sort of)

Well, yesterday was my last day of work. School is out for summer. I love my job but I also look forward to two and half months of not working.....of not hanging out with middle school kids every day....of not dealing with the day to day stresses of work in general. But school is only sort of out for me because I start grad school on May 31st. I'm getting my master's in educational leadership. My goal is to eventually become a principal.....although that is a long way away at this point. Anyway, I'm only taking two classes this summer but they are night classes which means I'll go to school from 5-9 two nights a week. I was irritated by this mainly because it is the opposite of JW's schedule. He'll be coming home from work after I've already left for class. So I feel like I'll be seeing very little of him in the coming weeks.

The good part about night classes is that I won't have to worry about missing class to go to Dr. K's office for monitoring and what not. I'm excited about moving on to IVF. It feels like we're making progress and becoming closer to realizing this dream of becoming parents. At the same time I have this strong hope that we'll get pregnant this cycle and won't even have to worry about IVF. I think this is the part that is so confusing to me. I have so much hope in this cycle. I've had so much hope during the previous 20 cycles as well. I think it is all this hope that makes things hard but I'm not sure where I'd be without the hope either.

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

The Baby Meetings....

Today I went to a baby meeting. Actually it was suppose to be about planning our 10 year reunion....but that was only part of the time. I got there on time at 2pm....it was me, Monica, Crystal and Kerri....who have all had babies recently and talked about them....what they eat, how they sleep, how loud they cry, how long they are, how the doctor's office measures them wrong, on and on and on and on. This was overwhelming to me in many ways and not to mention awkward since I obviously had nothing to contribute.

Thankfully Dustin and Cassidy showed up and we actually got to talk about reunion stuff...I took my sister's advice and provided guidance but deflected all responsibility.

I came home and got the house ready for our small group to come over. We have a "small" group from church that meets in homes each Sunday. I use the term small very loosely since there were 18 people at our house tonight and at least 5 regular attenders didn't show. We basically have church in our living rooms. Anyway, tonight it was at our house and I was in charge of snacks. Our small group has been amazing because they've been praying for us throughout this whole infertility journey and they helped A LOT when I got sick last cycle. Plus, we have couples in our group who can relate---M and L dealt with infertility and have moved on to adoption; T and N who are doing IVF this summer; and C and K who tried for over a year and are now finally pregnant. We also have two other pregnant women in our group and two couples with kids already---Jack who is 15 months and Caroline who is 3 months old.

Anyway, tonight I found myself just staring at Amanda and Cory's bellies. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever really happen to me. I watched Rebecca rock her little Caroline to sleep and longed to do that too. I watched Jack run around outside, throw balls and play in our sand box (it came with the house....it is becoming a flower bed this summer) and I can't wait for JW to have a little boy to chase around our yard.

Overall this post has no point except that tonight was filled with longing of what might be.

Mother's Day is Coming

I like Mother's Day. I love my mom and my mother in law and it has always been about them. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about how our church recognizes moms on mother's day....you see they have all the moms stand and the kids bring them carnations. It sounds cheesy but it is really sweet (our church only has about 100 people attend on Sundays).

So I keep thinking about how I'm going to feel on Mother's Day when all those moms stand up to get their flowers and for yet another year I'm not standing. I was starting to get depressed and thinking maybe we should skip church that morning.....isn't that terrible?

Problem solved though.....I got the nursery schedule in the mail and I'm in the nursery on Mother's Day.....so I'll spend Mother's Day morning working in the nursery. Honestly, that will probably suck too.

Actually I've been thinking that if this injectible/IUI cycle is a bust that I'm going to tell our children's minister that I can't work in the nursery for a while. I only work once a month but I feel like the past few months have been so sad for me. Plus, it seems like such a place for people to ask "When are y'all having kids?" which at church I answer truthfully with "When the Lord is ready to give them to us."......this usually leads to more questions. Maybe I should just say, "Oh dear. I don't even want to think about that." which is also true. I don't want to think about it. I wish I didn't think about it all the time.

Sometimes I feel like the infertile version of Debbie Downer.

Nail Shop of Horrors

We spent the weekend with my in-laws. On Saturday, JW, his dad and his brother all went fishing. My mother-in-law took me and my sister-in-law to a salon and day spa to have manicures and pedicures while she got her hair colored. The place we went to was really nice and it was fun to hang out with them since I actually really like my mother in law.

Anyway, the nail place I go to at home is run by Asian women. They usually speak to each other in their native language (Vietnamese, I think but I'm not sure) and barely speak to me at all. Well, at mother in law's nail place the woman was white and talked up a storm. I explained to her how we were all related and how sister in law and I are married to twins. We talked about my job, her job, etc. Then she started asking about kids. "Do you have kids?" "When are you going to have kids?" "How long have you been married?" "It's time to start having kids." She was so sweet but she went on and on and on and on. I was tempted to say, "It isn't as easy as they made it sound in high school but would you like to hear the details of what we've been through?" I thought about giving a nice little summary of 6 months of clomid, 2 IUIs, 5 days of injections and prepping for another IUI but I didn't want to be rude to this sweet lady.

My SIL and MIL know the whole background though and I could tell SIL was freaking out.....she later told me that she wanted to tell the lady to shut up. My sister in law's sister also dealt with infertility so she gets how hard talking about it can be.

Anyway, it just reminded me that after dealing with all this over the past 20 months I will never again ask someone when they are planning on having kids or any other prying questions...especially not in the middle of a nail salon when their feet are soaking in a whirlpool and they can't get away!

It is however the best pedicure I've ever had! My toes look great and my feet have never been so soft.

Shot success

Well, I took all my shots. It really wasn't bad. The anticipation was the worst part. The first morning I actually woke up late which was kind of good because I didn't have time to sit and over think....I only had time to stick and go.

Also, I got trained at my doctor's office on a follistim pen....but I actually wound up getting a Gonal-F pen. The set up was slightly different so I had to read and re-read the directions. The first two mornings I was seriously wondering if I was doing it right because it seemed so easy.

I had my ultrasound on Monday though and I must've been doing it right because my ovaries responded well and Dr. K gave me a lollipop for doing such a good job with my injections.

Tomorrow is the big day.....

I'm going to give myself a shot for the first time ever. I've been trained.....but who knows how it will be to actually stick myself?? I know tons of ladies have done it. I'm going to be brave and think about the baby these medicines could help us create. I can do it.

Please feel free to pray about it though because I'm totally nervous.

Cycle 20 begins

Well this weekend has been both totally depressing and kind of exciting. My period started so cycle 19 is a bust. This was the depressing part....especially since my period was two days later than I thought it would be which made me so hopefully.

The exciting part is that we are moving on to injectible medications this cycle and eventually an IUI at the right time. Woohoo!! Progress in the right direction hopefully.

Cabbage Patch

So, I was visiting this other blog about infertility and the subtitle was "this would be easier if babies still came from the cabbage patch...."

I laughed so hard.

Our new plan....

Well we met with the RE, Dr. K, and he is wonderful. Both JW and myself really liked him. We will finish this cycle up without any medical interventions and if/when the next cycle starts we will be moving on to injectibles with IUI. This was not "new" news because I had already guessed that is what the doctor would say.

The most encouraging part of our visit was that although Dr. K confirmed that we have unexplained infertility, he was very optimistic that we can and will get pregnant. It has brought a new bounce to our step this week knowing that it can work. It also confirmed what we already knew in that we just need to trust in God's perfect timing.

One last time....

Wow! It's been a long time since I posted. Yesterday began cycle 17 on this journey to become a family. We are going to do one last round of clomid and hopefully another IUI this cycle. The IUI is going to be tricky since the "ideal" days are during a weekend. I'm all stocked up on ovulation predictor kits though so we can hit the right timing hopefully.

We have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist on Feb 9th....so if this cycle is a bust at least we have a back up plan. Right now I'm assuming the RE will want to do injectable fertility meds. I CANNOT imagine giving myself shots though so either husband will have to do it or I'll see if the school nurse where I work can do it. The thought of getting horomone injections in the middle school nurse's office is quite a funny picture. I'll let you know how it goes.

I've had these moments lately of such sadness about our situaton. And I've also had moments of peace that the Lord is in control of the timing. I pray that God will be glorified in this situation and in all we do.

Starting all over again....

Aunt Flo arrived on Thursday. Total bummer.

And the clomid pills arrived today. I talked to my doctor's office on Friday and I've decided to do one more round of clomid and interuterine insemination this month.

So we'll see.....anyone up for a baby in September???