Vacation awaits....

Well, my bags are packed and we're ready to go to Belize!! After this year of dealing with infertility I think this is just the relaxing vacation we need. Of course word on the street is that all you have to do to get pregnant is go on a vacation and relax, right??

I'll post pics when we return!!

School's Out for Summer!!! (sort of)

Well, yesterday was my last day of work. School is out for summer. I love my job but I also look forward to two and half months of not working.....of not hanging out with middle school kids every day....of not dealing with the day to day stresses of work in general. But school is only sort of out for me because I start grad school on May 31st. I'm getting my master's in educational leadership. My goal is to eventually become a principal.....although that is a long way away at this point. Anyway, I'm only taking two classes this summer but they are night classes which means I'll go to school from 5-9 two nights a week. I was irritated by this mainly because it is the opposite of JW's schedule. He'll be coming home from work after I've already left for class. So I feel like I'll be seeing very little of him in the coming weeks.

The good part about night classes is that I won't have to worry about missing class to go to Dr. K's office for monitoring and what not. I'm excited about moving on to IVF. It feels like we're making progress and becoming closer to realizing this dream of becoming parents. At the same time I have this strong hope that we'll get pregnant this cycle and won't even have to worry about IVF. I think this is the part that is so confusing to me. I have so much hope in this cycle. I've had so much hope during the previous 20 cycles as well. I think it is all this hope that makes things hard but I'm not sure where I'd be without the hope either.

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

Just tell me what I want to hear....

So, I called Dr. K's office today to see what they had found out about IVF being covered by our insurance. I know what the insurance company told me on the phone but I just wanted it confirmed by my doctor's office.



Anyway, there is a weird sentence in the documents about Blue Cross covering 6 ART cycles and IVF after 3 medicated IUIs (injectable gonadatropins). It has the parenthesis just like that. So I called the doctor's office to see if they knew what that was all about.

I told the lady at Dr. K's that I've had 3 IUIs but only one was with gonadatropins and the other two were with clomid. She kept telling me that, "Well, Dr. K does a mixed cycle with clomid and injectables." I had to explain 3 times that I had two of the IUIs with just clomid at my other doctor's office and that Dr. K said if we do IUI again then we would just do it with clomid because of my bad reaction to the injectables. She kept telling me about mixed cycles as if I didn't remember giving myself injections or something.
The conversation ended with that she thought IVF was covered but if I wanted to call BCBS to double check for peace of mind that would be fine....

VERDICT: IVF is covered if I have three IUI cycles with Gonal-F.
Good thing I read my own policy.

JW HOLDS A BABY!!!

What an exciting event in our lives. JW actually held a baby Saturday night and between you and me I think he loved it.

We went over to see our friends from college who had a baby a few months ago. Little Brynlee was in a pretty good mood despite lots of congestion. Anyway, we pretty much just hung out in their living room and talked.....catching up on old times and hearing about their possible upcoming move to Abilene.

Toward the end of the evening JW help Brynlee....I think this might be the first baby he's held since I've known him.....and maybe ever.

It was a big deal for him and I was so proud of how sweet he was holding her. I wish I'd taken a picture. Of course when we left I told him that him holding a baby was almost as hot as when he pulled weeds in the flower beds that afternoon. Maybe with some encouragement he'll be willing to do both things again!!!

The Baby Meetings....

Today I went to a baby meeting. Actually it was suppose to be about planning our 10 year reunion....but that was only part of the time. I got there on time at 2pm....it was me, Monica, Crystal and Kerri....who have all had babies recently and talked about them....what they eat, how they sleep, how loud they cry, how long they are, how the doctor's office measures them wrong, on and on and on and on. This was overwhelming to me in many ways and not to mention awkward since I obviously had nothing to contribute.

Thankfully Dustin and Cassidy showed up and we actually got to talk about reunion stuff...I took my sister's advice and provided guidance but deflected all responsibility.

I came home and got the house ready for our small group to come over. We have a "small" group from church that meets in homes each Sunday. I use the term small very loosely since there were 18 people at our house tonight and at least 5 regular attenders didn't show. We basically have church in our living rooms. Anyway, tonight it was at our house and I was in charge of snacks. Our small group has been amazing because they've been praying for us throughout this whole infertility journey and they helped A LOT when I got sick last cycle. Plus, we have couples in our group who can relate---M and L dealt with infertility and have moved on to adoption; T and N who are doing IVF this summer; and C and K who tried for over a year and are now finally pregnant. We also have two other pregnant women in our group and two couples with kids already---Jack who is 15 months and Caroline who is 3 months old.

Anyway, tonight I found myself just staring at Amanda and Cory's bellies. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever really happen to me. I watched Rebecca rock her little Caroline to sleep and longed to do that too. I watched Jack run around outside, throw balls and play in our sand box (it came with the house....it is becoming a flower bed this summer) and I can't wait for JW to have a little boy to chase around our yard.

Overall this post has no point except that tonight was filled with longing of what might be.

Going through the valley....

There is this song by Third Day called Mountain of God. Everytime I hear it I think that maybe it was written just for JW and me and for this season in our lives.

Here are part of the lyrics:

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from
And the things I’ve left behind
But of all I’ve had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what’s in front of me
With what’s in front of me

Did you hear me shout with joy???

Did you hear me shout with joy this morning? It was loud.....and if you know me personally you know I'm a loud person anyway but this was REALLY loud. Did you hear me start to laugh uncontrollably??? Did you see me jumping up and down while driving my car down interstate 35??

OUR INSURANCE COVERS IVF!!!! ALL OF IT!!!!

I talked to Dr. K yesterday and he told me that he could do another clomid/IUI cycle but that he thought our best chances were with IVF. I told him that IUI was covered by our insurance but IVF wasn't so maybe we should try at least one more IUI. He then said, "From your chart I think your insurance covers IVF."

I ran to my friend Traci's house to get her IVF books but tried not to get too excited until we heard from the insurance company. I called them this morning on my way to work and indeed IVF is covered. All of it.

I called JW immediately and he just started laughing with joy too. He couldn't believe it. I told him that we needed to fly to Boston and hug the person at his firm who worked out these awesome benefits.

Now I just need to make it through the work day so I can go home and read all the IVF information that Traci gave me. If we start the IVF protocol with my next cycle then we'll be about three weeks behind Traci and her husband in this whole experience.

Frustration.....

The nurse called Friday to tell me that my blood test was negative....she also said that Dr. K would call me this weekend to discuss. Well, he didn't call. So I called him today a little before 9am but I haven't heard back. I called back at 3pm and still nothing.

I'm not doing meds this cycle so it isn't a huge deal but I'm just frustrated because if I was doing meds I would've needed to come in today for blood work.....plus I just want to hear his opinions about the last cycle and what we'll do next cycle to prevent OHSS again. I have questions!!!! Of course I don't want to be a total pest.....but I'll probably call him again at 4:30pm.....I mean, isn't this why my insurance company pays him the big bucks????

Pour me a margarita---Cycle 21 approaches!!

So, the latest bloodwork was negative. No baby for us. I wasn't really surprised. I've kind of known all week that it would be negative. The PMS on Wednesday and Thursday that caused me to almost kill JW was a sign of a period on the horizon.

The nurse said Dr. K was so surprised and disappointed. He's suppose to call me tomorrow about what we do now. She also confirmed that my ovaries were over 10 cm each when I hyperstimmed.....they are back down to their normal size of 3-5 cm now. I still don't feel 100% better though.

Anyway, we're probably going to take off the next month. We are going on vacation right after ovulation and I'm scared to death of hyperstimming at a beautiful beach in a 3rd world country.
I wonder if Dr. K will monitor me if I don't get on meds. I've never had ultrasounds through a med free cycle and I'm interested to see how my ovaries respond when they are free from clomid and Gonal-F.
I also looked into acupuncture but it isn't covered on our insurance and we can't really afford to see Dr. K and go to an acupuncturist and pay my tution bills for Grad School.

So I guess we're doing another med free cycle.....which means a month without side effects and probably another month without a baby.

In the good times and bad....

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us" ~E. M. Forster

I read a lot of infertility and adoption blogs. A lot of them. It is an addictive habit and one I need to break.....but that is besides the point. When I read this quote earlier this morning I thought of all those women out there dealing with infertility or waiting to build their families through adoption.

I think this quotes relates to the discussions JW and I have had lately about how far are we willing to go with infertility treatments. Also it makes me think about although I have planned all my life to be a mother that I can't get so caught up in chasing a baby that I miss out on this beautiful, crazy life God has planned for me. Honestly I sometimes feel that at this point in my walk with the Lord that I should realize planning is pointless. My plans mean nothing. I am totally subject to His plan and although I might not totally understand His plan....I do trust that it is better than my own.

Sometimes I read about infertile women being hurt when people say something about "God's plan." I don't really get that though because I do think it is God's plan for JW and I to deal with infertility. I don't understand it and at times it is very painful but I also know there has been good. We have been refined. I feel like we have been tested in "Is God really enough for us? Are our dreams, hopes, desires rubish compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ?" We have learned how to trust the Lord in good times and in bad. It is easy to praise His name when good things happen but we want to be like Job and praise Him in the bad times as well. We have learned so much about each other as we find the strength to endure heartbreak and hope again. We have also learned about suffering. We have seen our faith community stand by us and pray with us for a family whatever that may look like.

I do know that God's ultimate plan is to bring glory to His name. I can see how He has been and will be glorified in this struggle. It isn't easy but the Lord never promised an easy road for His children.....He just promised one that ends in heaven.

Mother's Day is Coming

I like Mother's Day. I love my mom and my mother in law and it has always been about them. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about how our church recognizes moms on mother's day....you see they have all the moms stand and the kids bring them carnations. It sounds cheesy but it is really sweet (our church only has about 100 people attend on Sundays).

So I keep thinking about how I'm going to feel on Mother's Day when all those moms stand up to get their flowers and for yet another year I'm not standing. I was starting to get depressed and thinking maybe we should skip church that morning.....isn't that terrible?

Problem solved though.....I got the nursery schedule in the mail and I'm in the nursery on Mother's Day.....so I'll spend Mother's Day morning working in the nursery. Honestly, that will probably suck too.

Actually I've been thinking that if this injectible/IUI cycle is a bust that I'm going to tell our children's minister that I can't work in the nursery for a while. I only work once a month but I feel like the past few months have been so sad for me. Plus, it seems like such a place for people to ask "When are y'all having kids?" which at church I answer truthfully with "When the Lord is ready to give them to us."......this usually leads to more questions. Maybe I should just say, "Oh dear. I don't even want to think about that." which is also true. I don't want to think about it. I wish I didn't think about it all the time.

Sometimes I feel like the infertile version of Debbie Downer.

Do you need a glass of water?

So after my terrible weekend with the cysts JW has been waiting on me hand and foot. I'm being spoiled and loving every minute of it. Sunday night I laid down in bed and then remembered I needed to take my prometrium. I asked JW if he would get my pills off the kitchen counter and bring them to me in the bed.

He asked, "Do you need a glass of water?" I answer, "No. It'll be okay."

He comes back moments later with the pills and looking at the bottle says, "Are you sure you don't want some water to help swallow these?"

My response: "Well, I don't actually have to swallow it."

At this point a sick look spreads across his face as it dawns on JW exactly how one takes prometrium!