On the ledge....

So today I went to get my hair cut. The girl who cuts my hair, Shannon, is awesome. Her mom and my mom are good friends and they were our neighbors in high school. Anyway, she asks me about being an aunt and stuff so I show off pictures of my beautiful niece, Ava. Then she starts to tell me about how she is going to be an aunt in April.....her brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Okay, whatever. Then she says, "How's IVF going for you?"

Umm...WHAT??? I'm struck dumb for a second. She asked me seven weeks ago (at my last appointment) if we were going to have kids and I said something along the lines of "hopefully" so she asked, "Are y'all trying?" So, I said "Yes." I didn't want to lie but I didn't go into the IVF details.

Back to the conversation today in the salon......so with my head in the sink I say something like, "It's going good. We're just waiting to see if it worked."
Shannon: Yeah. Your mom told my mom that y'all were doing IVF. So what exactly did they do?"

So I start explaining the IVF basics to Shannon and the hair wash girl in the middle of the salon while trying to control my anger. I'm livid with my mother. I cannot believe she told Shannon's mom. This means other hometown ladies know too. It also means that their daughters know......some of which are my age and while we've known each other since 6th grade we aren't close friends or anything.

WHAT THE HELL MOM???? She told the hometown people about my IVF?!?!!? I'm so frustrated and upset right now......for two reasons:
1) If this IVF doesn't work then how many gosh darn people am I going to have to explain that to?? JW and I prayed about it for weeks before sharing with our Life Group at church and there are other couples in our Life Group dealing with IF....one of them even did IVF and it was hard for us to share it with them. It is on thing to share your disappointment with your family and close friends but casual acquaintences?? Oh dear. I didn't even want to tell the people I work with that I see everyday and actually like!!!!
2) If this IVF does work than so many people will know we are pregnant right off the bat! This is so stressful to me because I know that nothing is guaranteed in this world.

I'm not embarrassed that we are doing IVF. I think that once we have a baby I won't have a problem telling people that yes we had trouble and yes our baby is a miracle.....but holy crap! I really didn't want the whole hometown knowing my business while it is going on!!!! This incident also makes me think that my mother has told our extended family which totally takes away some of the excitement of telling them we're pregnant if we are.....not to mention the fact that we wouldn't have wanted to tell them for a few weeks.

I know I'm probably being dramatic due to all the hormones coursing through my body right now (although JW was also angry when I told him).....but I'm just tired of other people airing our IF laundry out to the world. So here is the new rule:
You can know about our infertiliy and what we're doing about it IF I tell you face to face or you read my blog. If I know you in real life then you are NOT allowed to share my experience or information with ANYONE without my permission!!

Well, I was up on a ledge but now after venting I feel a little better so I'm going to get JW to massage my PIO injection areas and then I'm tucking my hormonal self into bed.

The emotional part has kicked in....

Saturday day afternoon JW and I were discussing our journey up to this point and I said, "A lot of people talk about how emotional going through IVF is but I feel like it has been about the same intensity as some of our IUI cycles."

Then I started using the Vivelle Dot--which should really be called the Vivelle Freaking Huge Rectangle but I guess that didn't look good on the package--and now the emotions have set in. Work has been really busy this week and it is difficult to run around this huge school when I can barely walk thanks to the progesterone shots. I'm have been so so sore. Tuesday night I almost started crying when JW gave me my shot because I just kept thinking "I can't do this anymore. I can't do this for weeks and weeks if we get pregnant. I can't."
Also, can we talk about how much weight I've gained? I've gained almost 10lbs since the beginning of this cycle....and all 10 lbs are in two places 1) My stomach.... Almost none of my pants fit....the jean capris that used to be loose are super tight. 2) My face.
I have a really sweet friend who I'm very close with and she said, "Is the medicine your on causing you to gain weight?" "Yes" my yoga pants clad self replies. "I thought your cheeks looked a little chubby." I love my friend and she loves me and she didn't mean it meanly at all....and I'm glad I have a friend who will tell me the truth. But goodness! At this rate I'll be in maternity clothes before week 6! Or maybe before my beta!!

But even through this IVF emtional roller coaster, the Lord has been so good. He's provided good friends to keep us focused on Him. And the icing on the cake: Last Friday, my sister and her husband got matched with a first mom at their adoption agency. The weekend was filled with hills, valleys and several loop-to-loops but they brought home my amazing and beautiful niece, Ava on Monday!!! She is perfect in everyway and we are already totally in love with her. We went over on Monday night to meet her and ever since I've been counting the minutes until I can get back over to their house and hold that sweet baby. I'm so excited to be an aunt. I'm so excited for my sister and her husband!! They have been through a lot and now their parents!!


Infertility is a trial and I know many of you out there are on this same road, so here is a little verse that I read last night from the 1st chapter of James:
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

I know the Lord will help us persevere through all these hormonal ups and downs and through whatever comes next.....

1 little snowbaby...

The clinic called to tell us that one of our embryos made it to freeze. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how this works.....we had 9. 5 were excellent and 4 were good. We transferred two and out of the remaining seven we only got 1 snowbaby???
JW says he's more interested in the two we transferred yesterday and I am too.....but only having one means that if this doesn't work we'll probably start over from scratch and do another fresh cycle.....more meds?!?!? Oh dear.

Let the Baking Begin....

Here they are!! The two "Maybe Babies" were transferred and are now ready to bake.

Overall the transfer itself was pretty painless....however the nurse pressing on my full bladder with the ultrasound thing totally sucked. See, they asked me to come in at 10:15 and to be working on a full bladder.....well, the clinic was running a little behind so we didn't even get to the procedure room until 11:15!!!! My bladder was extremely full and I was almost in tears because it was hurting so badly.....the minute she stopped pressing I felt so relieved.

Then we came home and my parents came over to bring us lunch and hang out. JW and my dad fixed some stuff around the house, my mom did laundry and I slept....it is wonderful to be spoiled. My friend Callie brought over dinner and it was delicious. I could really get use to this princess business.

Now the waiting begins.....

Day 3 Embryo Report....

The ARTS department called and we have 4 "good" embryos and 5 "excellent" embryos.
Yes, 4+5 does equal 9. We have 9 embryos, not 8 as we previously thought. It turns out that one of our little ones cleaved late....whatever that means.

Now we just wait until Saturday for the big transfer!

Fertilization Report is IN!!

Well, everything went well this morning. Getting the IV put in was the worst part....the rest was smooth sailing. They got 14 eggs which was more than we were expecting. 12 of the 14 were mature....and 8 fertilized!!! So we now have 8 babies growing in a petri dish. We are waiting to see which two will be the front runners for Saturday's transfer and keeping our fingers crossed that some will even make it to freeze.

Thanks for all your kind words, prayers and encouragement!!!

Love and Other Impossible Pursuits....

I've never been in a book club before but when Mel over at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/ mentioned that the new book was by Ayelet Waldman I had to sign up. I love her!!


So how does an online book club work? Basically we read the book and then blog is response to questions posed by other bloggers.....and then bounce all over the internet reading and responding to other blogs about the book.


Love and Other Impossible Pursuits is the story of Emilia's struggle with the loss of her infant daughter and her relationship with her stepson. I laughed out loud and cried as well. I couldn't put the book down and read it in less than 2 days.


And now onto the questions....

1. Throughout the book my feelings towards Emilia were conflicted. If you felt that way too, why did you also feel that way?

Conflicted is a great way to describe my feelings toward Emilia. Part of me loved her but she was often a difficult character to love. Her relationship with her husband started as adultery. Usually I'm really put off by books, movies, shows, etc where adultery occurs. I almost stopped watching Grey's Anatomy over the whole George/Izzy thing..... But Emilia was really real too. I mean, she's struggling with her daughter's death and that pain is so raw and real feeling. Her relationship with William has its ups and downs but you can see that sometimes she is really trying to make it work. I can only imagine that being a stepmom is a difficult job....especially when the child is as resistant as William is and when the 1st wife is as crazy as Caroline in the novel.

In the end I loved Emilia. She isn't perfect but she's lovable. I was rooting for her, Jack and William. Emilia evolves through the novel. Emilia's life is messy and she is far from perfect.....just like a real person.


What sort of relationship do you have with your significant other? Do you feel he/she is your bashert? What effect has IF/loss had on your emotional and/or physical relationship?

I love my husband but I don't think he's my bashert. I don't believe in the idea of a "soul mate." I think focusing on soul mates allows people to ignore the fact that relationships take work. JW "gets" me. He makes me laugh. He's my best friend but our relationship works because we work at making it work. Sometimes it is easy but sometimes it is a lot of work. I think the idea of bashert makes it difficult to handle when things go badly in a relationship, when you're mad at your partner or when things just aren't "clicking." Marriage is a roller coaster (as is life). There are highs and lows.


IF has had a huge effect on our relationship. There have been a lot of lows on this journey and JW has been in the trenches with me. I feel like we are closer than before. I've seen a side of him that I didn't see while we were dating and the first two years of our marriage. I wish we had a baby but I am thankful for what we've learned about each other on this journey. I think it has changed our relationship in a lot of positive ways. Of course I can't wait to see how being parents changes us as well.


Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston (with author participation!).

Triggering tonight...

We went in this morning for one more ultrasound with Dr. K. None of his staff come in on Saturdays so it was just him and us. He drew my blood and did an ultrasound. The follicles are looking good with about 10 total in the 15-20 range and most of them closer to 20. There are two that are 23 and 24mm but Dr. K said sometimes they don't get eggs out of the bigger ones.

Anyway, he told me to trigger tonight at 7:30pm and I almost fell off the table because I knew what was coming next: Egg Retrieval at 6:30 am on Monday morning!!! 6:30?? In the morning?? I'm not even up at that time on a work day. I'm not very good with mornings but I'm thinking that I'll be so nervous/excited that I won't have a problem getting up.

Part of me can't believe that we're even doing IVF and that all of this is real. So, keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for us on Monday morning!!

Here's the plan....

I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound this morning. I showed my stomach to Dr. K because I have red blotches around my injection sites. I also told him that the repronex burns when I inject it.....so he said not to do the repronex anymore and that I could do two doses of Gonal-F instead.

But then he did the sonogram and saw what my ovaries were doing and said.....Actually do the Gonal-F tonight, the lurpon in the morning and then you should come back tomorrow and then we're probably going to be ready for retrieval on Monday. Holy cow! Monday!! I can't believe it. So I have an ultrasound again tomorrow and we're probably doing retrieval on Monday....woohoo!!

I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I really want to stay focused on the Lord throughout this whole process. He is the one who holds our lives in his hands. We will have a family when His timing is right. I think it is easy to lose focus or to focus on the wrong things. I don't want to put my hope in medicine or my doctor. I want to put my hope in Jesus.

My secret is out....

So I guess it is a little obvious that I show up to work an hour late three days in a row....especially since I have a bruise on one arm from the Wednesday blood draw and today I forgot to take my bandaid off before coming in......So, I'm back in my office working away and one of the office ladies pops in and says, "So, are you trying to get pregnant?"

What is an infertile to do? I can't lie. I just have to admit it. "Yes, but it isn't working so great which is why I'm going to the doctor so much." This statement is followed by an explanation of how she too had problems for 2 years, never went to the doctor and then got pregnant. Congratulations!! That's so great....but it doesn't help me. I told her that we've tried many things including excessive amounts of alcohol, avoiding alcohol all together, 3 great relaxing vacations as well as numerous tests, drugs and procedures. Now we're doing IVF.

My secret is out. My family, our church and now the people I work with know.....
I'm okay with the family and church part but I'm frustrated with the work part. I don't want people at my work to know if we get PG. My original plan (when all this trying to conceive started) was to wait to tell work until it was obvious. So much for that!! Speaking of work, I'd better get back to it!!

Where is said water??

Last weekend we were hanging out with some friends from college and it came up that one couple was about to have a baby. Someone commented that lots of people seemed to be getting pregnant lately and it must be in the water. It took every ounce of self control to not say, "Where can I get this alleged baby making water?"

It seems way easier to drink some water than to give yourself three shots each day. Surely this water is covered by my insurance since it has to be cheaper than the liquid gold filling my Gonal-F pen, right?

Another day on this journey.....

This morning I had another appointment with Dr. K. Well, actually it was just with the blood draw girl. There is a technical term for her job that starts with a ph and is fun to say....but I can't remember how to spell it.
Anyway, when I walked in there was a couple waiting. I recognized them from our IVF seminar a few weeks ago. They rode the elevator in the parking garage with us. The levels of the parking garage at the hospital are labeled with different Texas animals to help you remember where you parked. When we got on the elevator I asked JW "What level were we on?" He replied, "6. The jackrabbit level."
So I wonder if this couple thought "Oh look. It's the girl who parked on the jackrabbit level."
Anyway, elevator girl (who's name is Eden....isn't that cool?) and her husband both went back when the nurse called....I thought that was nice.

My stomach is bruised and red. I chose my skirt for work today based on what I thought would not push in on my tummy too much. And one of the secretaries at work today got all excited because she assumed that I was missing all this work because I'm pregnant.....well, not yet I told her.

This morning I found out that I'm dumb....

I had an appointment at Dr. K's today. My official appointment time was at 8:30am. I know that I can go in earlier if I want to but I just couldn't pull myself out of bed. Then there was a wreck on the highway. I stroll into the office at 8:40 and ALL of the chairs in the waiting room are filled. ALL being all 9 chairs but still. So I wait. I finally get called back at 9:20am....quick stick...blood work done and I'm headed to work.
But wait, Nurse Jennifer can I ask you a quick question about my meds??

And I find out that I've done the Repronex wrong 3 times now. Ughh!! Basically when the medical assistant did my med teach she told me to switch one of the numbers on the sheet to 1/2 cc....but left the other number at 1 1/2 ccs. So I've been drawing 1 1/2 ccs of liquid out of vial one.....adding it to vial 2.....and then only drawing 1/2 cc back out. It didn't make sense so I asked if there should be medicine left in the pink vial and of course there shouldn't be. I'm so dumb. I guess we'll see how the numbers go with the blood work.

The waiting room at Dr. K's is so interesting to me. It is small and NOBODY talks. They have magazines but I go to the RE so frequently that the magazines are never new. One lady today had a gigantic bag filled with magazines and what looked like a small cooler. She was obviously prepared for the wait. I wanted to ask to borrow one of her magazines but I thought that might be weird.
Anyway, today two ladies had their husbands with them but when the nurse called their names the husbands didn't go back. Isn't that weird? I mean, why is your husband here at the doctor with you?? Just to sit in the waiting room? JW comes with me sometimes. He comes on IUI days and he came for the hysteroscopy because I needed a ride home and he came last week because we had questions for Dr. K....but he comes back into the little room. I know it isn't the most comfortable thing for him but it seems silly for him to just sit outside a wait. Maybe these guys get queasy really easy.....but if you can't see your wife in the stirrups now what are they going to do on their baby's birthday???

Holy Bruise, Batman!

Wow! I don't know what I did yesterday morning with that repronex shot but I have a huge bruise and it hurts!! The difficult thing is I can't give myself shots on that side of my belly button now because I can't pinch up the skin because of the bruise.

This morning's repronex went much better.....and I made JW take me out to breakfast at my favorite little breakfast place.



I did tote my Gonal-F to the Baylor game last night. I did the shot in the backseat of my brother in law's car while we were leaving the stadium. I was kind of nervous about it but I don't think anyone even noticed that I gave myself a shot....I'm just that smooth (at least with the pen....not so much with the repronex).

Update on our friends: All three of our friends' embryos survived the thaw and were transferred on Thursday afternoon. We're keeping our fingers and toes crossed for them to stick!

Working for the weekend....

Well, I'm at work (which means I probably shouldn't be blogging). I love my job but it is pretty self directed and no one really checks in on me. So, I pretty much work at my own pace....or look at the internet for half the day and work really fast the rest of the day.

Anyway, just a quick update. We went to see Dr. K yesterday for our baseline appointment. Everything looked good. We had come up with several questions after the embryology class and we got all those answered. I decreased my Lupron to 5cc...which seems like an almost pointless amount and now we're just counting the days until stims start.

We are going to a football game this Saturday night so I'll be carrying my stims and probably injecting at the stadium or in the car.....either way it should be an adventure. One thing I do like about the shots is the reaction people have when they hear that you give yourself shots. It makes me feel so tough. Although I wasn't so tough this morning when I flinched and didn't stick the needle in right away....that is the worst!!

My good friend, T$, is headed back to Virigina today with her husband for their snowbabies. Keep your fingers crossed that all three little embryos survive the great thaw and at least one sticks. T$ is my inspiration....if she can survive the progestrone shots so can I!!!

People make this look so easy....

I just feel jealous. I've been reading friends' blogs. I see their cute kids and their precious babies and I'm just jealous. So many of my friends seem to have gotten pregnant rather easily and are now holding their babies....while we still wait. There are several friends who have announced their pregnancies and I've thought "I'll be pregnant soon too. How fun to be pregnant together?!?!" Some of those babies are almost a year old.

And eventhough we've started this whole IVF process I'm still jealous about the easiness of achieving pregnancy for some people. Tonight is one of those nights when I just want to shout "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" It's not fair that I have to give myself shots and go to the doctor a million times. It's not fair that we can't just do this on our own in the privacy of our own home or at a nice hotel on a vacation. It's not fair to have to deal with side effects from all this crazy medication. It's not fair that we can't be surprised by a pregnancy test but will instead anxiously count the days and wait for a phone call that hasn't been positive once. It's not fair that we have to try to summon hope in the face of months of disappointment. It is not fair that we've been on this road for 24 months and counting. It's just not fair!!

Now that I've thrown my temper tantrum. I also know that life isn't fair. I know that I really wouldn't want what I really deserve or what is really fair. I know that I am blessed and that God is working his purposes for good.

But just for tonight I wish it was easy. I wish it was easy.